Pouring It All Out

I read the most INCREDIBLE poem today by my soror, Courey McLemore. Then I sat down to write my own. It took me sooooo long, but I finally got it done.

Then I realized something.

The key to letting go of Trump is not pretending that I am not holding onto him. I think there is a saying that goes: Words diminish things and make them real or something or other. Anyway, it is absolutely true. The longer that I hold this obsession inside and maybe just let it out on this "secret" blog/diary, the longer I am holding on to it.

Lately, I have told several people about my "crush" on Trump. They don't know him, but just talking about it made me feel better (and worse at the same time because I would have to come to terms with uncomfortable facts of the "relationship" in order to give the person even half of the story).

So my new plan is to empty this "vessel" or rid my heart of this love for Trump by pouring it out. I think that it helps to write poetry about it and blogs and talk to people (all in cryptic and none too obvious ways of course). I think putting words to my feelings will help diminish them. It will help me get out everything that is inside instead of trying to suppress it away.

I also am going to handwrite Trump a letter before the year is up (probably this weekend). I am just going to put it out there on the table and tell him how I feel. That I really, really really like him and that I always have and it has nothing to do with oxytocin or whatever. I just genuinely like him. But I also realize that the feelings aren't mutual and that he doesn't have room in his life for a person like me. I appreciate his friendship -- and I understand that friendship is all I can expect from him. I know he hates to read, so I will make it pretty point-blank. I'm shooting for one page -- although I know I am long-winded.

I just think pouring out all my feelings for him will eventually leave me empty. I'm not going to fill myself back up either (by calling him or texting him or anything). I feel like I am always the one pursuing him and I am waaaaay over doing that.

We went out the other night (FINALLY!) to Bar Louies and had a good time. But I don't think he feels the same way about me that I feel about him. He sees me as a friend, as a little sister maybe. That hurts, but it's true. Darn. He is beautiful though and as smart and overall sexy as ever. Moment of weakness. Lol. He didn't invite me to his apt afterwards (not that I would have accepted) and we hugged goodnight. It's weird. So Weird with him. But I'm pouring it out. All of it within the next week. So by New Year's Eve, I'll have nothing left for him. I think this is possible and probable.

Wish me luck :)