A Dance for One

Today is a particularly hard day for no particular reason. I want to call Trump so bad. But I have willpower. I will not, cannot call him. But wow I want to.

It is amazing to me that I can be sitting here thinking so hard about someone who, more than likely, hasn't thought about me all day. What is that about anyway?

I have a theory. There are certain people in everyone's life who are only in said person's life because that person keeps up all contact and if that person decides to cut off contact, then the relationship will disintegrate altogether. Real relationships are two-sided. It takes "two to tango". But if one person stops dancing, then the other person is dancing alone even if she refuses to admit it.

Is that what is going on with me and Trump? Is this "friendship" totally one-sided? Have I both initiated and nurtured a relationship that I will be killing if I stop feeding it? Is that I want to happen? Can I imagine myself with anyone but Trump?

The truth is, I want to marry this man. It's weird to put that into words. He is nothing I want and everything I need. I have no idea why I met him. I have no idea why things have turned out the way they have. All I know is when I think of him, all I want is to do is be with him and that is weird.

This is consuming my life. He is consuming my life. And to be completely honest with myself, I hate this. I don't want to spend my 22nd year on this earth utterly obsessed with a man who can hardly be bothered to contact me. This is not Sex and the City. This is not some silly chick-flick. This is my life and I am in a terrible, terrible funk!

It's like my life has no luster without him. This is ridiculous though! I was fine before I met him. I need to be fine now. But how can I be fine?

How can I be "fine" knowing that there is someone walking around this earth who epitomizes my dream come true? That is minus the fact that he isn't a Christian and probably doesn't have a monogamous bone in his body -- and those are two HUGE minuses. Otherwise he is perfect for me: gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, knows and cares what is going on in the world, mature, tall, slim, ambitious, self-sufficient and even Greek!...I could go on and on. Why oh why did I meet him? Why me? Why now?

I can imagine marrying him, having kids with him, growing old with him. THIS IS SO WEIRD!!!

All I can think about is him. This is not my nature. I am so annoyed. I need to do something else. I need to get it together. One day I will look back on all this and remember how ridiculous I was being.

I wish he felt the same way about me. The fact is, he doesn't. The sooner I get over this, the better. Until then, I will not call/text him. Wow, this is hard.

But, if I am dancing alone then maybe it's time that I found another partner -- one that I actually want to be with and who wants to be with me. Someone ten times better than Trump. Anything is possible right?

This dance I'm in right now is lonely.