Diary of a Mad Black Woman

What is living if you're not learning, right?

This whole Trump-fiasco has taught me a lot about life, love and myself. It has taught me who I am and who I definitely am not. It has taught me that people will disappoint me and that I should never give something for nothing.

And I also know that I shouldn't beat myself up over this. This situation has been dragged out for an ungodly amount of time, but the person I am in this "relationship" is not the person that I am.

I don't like men like Trump. I don't let men treat me the way he has. I don't treat other men the way I treat him. I don't stay hung up on men who clearly aren't hung up on me. I don't have sex with random guys. I go out on dates. I demand respect. I demand phone calls. I let go as soon as the situation calls for it.

I think that before Jason I was so disillusioned and then I met Jason and he changed my heart and opened me up. But it is high-time for me to slam that door shut.

The comforting thing is the fact that I know this is not a pattern for me. A year ago, I would have never gotten involved with someone like Trump. And I never will again. He was my momentary lapse of judgment and I learned a HUGE lesson at 22 that I may not have learned otherwise.

I don't deserve this from anyone. I am no one's commodity. I am not desperate and I am not insecure. I am not available and I am not that nice.

I eat men alive and I've been doing it since sixth grade. Why I made an exception for Trump I have no idea and he has seriously jacked me up. And I feel that I don't know which way is up or down. Starving for attention from Trump, I let myself get fed by all these guys that I don't even like. Eventually, I recklessly cut them loose when I feel that I can't take another moment. I need to stop this cycle.

I need to get over Trump and then get into a real relationship with a real person. I don't do the no-strings-attached casual hookup. I don't let guys I like try and talk to my friends in front of me then lie about it. I don't let guys that I like never call me and only text every now and then.

Ugh.

Not only am I going back to the way that I used to be, but I am adding a few more things to my list.

I'm sick of the lies. I'm sick of being treated like I don't matter. I had sex with this man and he has yet to buy me a sandwich from White Castle! What the heck am I doing? He owes me and he owes me so big.

I'm sick of being nice. From now on, I am going to treat him like the jerk that he is. He doesn't deserve even a smile from me. How dare he do that to me? He doesn't have to like me. But he also didn't have to have sex with me knowing full well that he didn't like me at all.

I thought I could do the casual thing, but I can't. Why? Cause I'm not some casual desperate girl. I am a prize. And I deserve to be treated as such.

And right now, I am mad.

This is me -- pissed.