Pouring It All Out

I read the most INCREDIBLE poem today by my soror, Courey McLemore. Then I sat down to write my own. It took me sooooo long, but I finally got it done.

Then I realized something.

The key to letting go of Trump is not pretending that I am not holding onto him. I think there is a saying that goes: Words diminish things and make them real or something or other. Anyway, it is absolutely true. The longer that I hold this obsession inside and maybe just let it out on this "secret" blog/diary, the longer I am holding on to it.

Lately, I have told several people about my "crush" on Trump. They don't know him, but just talking about it made me feel better (and worse at the same time because I would have to come to terms with uncomfortable facts of the "relationship" in order to give the person even half of the story).

So my new plan is to empty this "vessel" or rid my heart of this love for Trump by pouring it out. I think that it helps to write poetry about it and blogs and talk to people (all in cryptic and none too obvious ways of course). I think putting words to my feelings will help diminish them. It will help me get out everything that is inside instead of trying to suppress it away.

I also am going to handwrite Trump a letter before the year is up (probably this weekend). I am just going to put it out there on the table and tell him how I feel. That I really, really really like him and that I always have and it has nothing to do with oxytocin or whatever. I just genuinely like him. But I also realize that the feelings aren't mutual and that he doesn't have room in his life for a person like me. I appreciate his friendship -- and I understand that friendship is all I can expect from him. I know he hates to read, so I will make it pretty point-blank. I'm shooting for one page -- although I know I am long-winded.

I just think pouring out all my feelings for him will eventually leave me empty. I'm not going to fill myself back up either (by calling him or texting him or anything). I feel like I am always the one pursuing him and I am waaaaay over doing that.

We went out the other night (FINALLY!) to Bar Louies and had a good time. But I don't think he feels the same way about me that I feel about him. He sees me as a friend, as a little sister maybe. That hurts, but it's true. Darn. He is beautiful though and as smart and overall sexy as ever. Moment of weakness. Lol. He didn't invite me to his apt afterwards (not that I would have accepted) and we hugged goodnight. It's weird. So Weird with him. But I'm pouring it out. All of it within the next week. So by New Year's Eve, I'll have nothing left for him. I think this is possible and probable.

Wish me luck :)

Words for the Speechless...

{Wisdom says} some things are better left unsaid
But what am I to do with the chaotic thoughts in my head
Chaotic in theory, but singular {in truth}
I have but one thought in my head – you

When I look into your eyes, you’re so familiar to me
But our feelings are as strangers, ships passing in the sea
Me, I’m filled with intense desire and you with {heart-crushing} indifference
In all of our communication there remains a {mutual} incoherence

I live for the possibility of inspiring inside of you what doesn’t exist
And you so calmly, so easily, {so heartlessly} resist
What is the point of my hope if left unfulfilled
What is the point of my dreaming, long after a dream is killed

My emotions run high, but I’m forced to suppress
Because you want a friend in me -- no more, maybe less
And for me that {pitiful} something is better than nothing at all
So I retreat to my perpetual place just outside of your heart’s wall
Hoping maybe you’ll extend your scepter and invite me to come in
But here I go, holding onto {foolish} hope once again

Your flattery is an insult, your compliments cut deep
Because if I’m as great as you say then why won’t you take the leap
Why do you insist on keeping me at bay
Is there any part of you that would care if I walked away

Do you hold any feelings inside of your heart {that maybe you’re unwilling to let go}
Feelings unexpressed aren’t feelings at all, you know
Don’t allow me to dwell in a solitary prison of affection
If the thought that you don’t feel the same is really a figment of my imagination

Do you have the slightest clue how I truly feel about you
That I would {clearly} do anything you asked me to
That I like everything {even what you don’t like} about you
That my pride is out the window and the game changes completely with you

I like you, I desire you, I could even love you
There I said it
But when I said I don’t believe in love {unrequited}
I meant it.

What am I to do now, with the unspeakable expressed so clear
My guard is irreversibly shattered -- {I now face my greatest fear}
But maybe rejection isn’t so bad, at least the truth is out there
And maybe one day you’ll look back and remember that {at one point} I cared

Rarely is my heart this transparent or my deepest thoughts exposed
But these feelings threatened to overwhelm me, if not disclosed
This heartpour may cause you to think of me differently {I’m aware of the chance I take}
But that’s a {sacrifice} I’m willing to make…

-- Alissa Griffith

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

What is living if you're not learning, right?

This whole Trump-fiasco has taught me a lot about life, love and myself. It has taught me who I am and who I definitely am not. It has taught me that people will disappoint me and that I should never give something for nothing.

And I also know that I shouldn't beat myself up over this. This situation has been dragged out for an ungodly amount of time, but the person I am in this "relationship" is not the person that I am.

I don't like men like Trump. I don't let men treat me the way he has. I don't treat other men the way I treat him. I don't stay hung up on men who clearly aren't hung up on me. I don't have sex with random guys. I go out on dates. I demand respect. I demand phone calls. I let go as soon as the situation calls for it.

I think that before Jason I was so disillusioned and then I met Jason and he changed my heart and opened me up. But it is high-time for me to slam that door shut.

The comforting thing is the fact that I know this is not a pattern for me. A year ago, I would have never gotten involved with someone like Trump. And I never will again. He was my momentary lapse of judgment and I learned a HUGE lesson at 22 that I may not have learned otherwise.

I don't deserve this from anyone. I am no one's commodity. I am not desperate and I am not insecure. I am not available and I am not that nice.

I eat men alive and I've been doing it since sixth grade. Why I made an exception for Trump I have no idea and he has seriously jacked me up. And I feel that I don't know which way is up or down. Starving for attention from Trump, I let myself get fed by all these guys that I don't even like. Eventually, I recklessly cut them loose when I feel that I can't take another moment. I need to stop this cycle.

I need to get over Trump and then get into a real relationship with a real person. I don't do the no-strings-attached casual hookup. I don't let guys I like try and talk to my friends in front of me then lie about it. I don't let guys that I like never call me and only text every now and then.

Ugh.

Not only am I going back to the way that I used to be, but I am adding a few more things to my list.

I'm sick of the lies. I'm sick of being treated like I don't matter. I had sex with this man and he has yet to buy me a sandwich from White Castle! What the heck am I doing? He owes me and he owes me so big.

I'm sick of being nice. From now on, I am going to treat him like the jerk that he is. He doesn't deserve even a smile from me. How dare he do that to me? He doesn't have to like me. But he also didn't have to have sex with me knowing full well that he didn't like me at all.

I thought I could do the casual thing, but I can't. Why? Cause I'm not some casual desperate girl. I am a prize. And I deserve to be treated as such.

And right now, I am mad.

This is me -- pissed.

What Am I Doing?

I talked to Ralf last night and he really shed some light on some things.

Every day I keep thinking, what am I doing? If Trump doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, why am I sticking around? It really is time for me to get over this. Just talking to Ralf -- whom I have determined is a normal guy and thus can give me a straight answer to my guy questions -- really opened my eyes.

Ralf was explaining to me what it means when a man likes a woman versus being "attracted" to her. Trump once told me, "I'm attracted to you and that's all I can say right now." I should have thrown him out of my apartment. I didn't of course. Darn.

What a slap in the face!

Seriously, what am I doing? Yes, I really like Trump, but why? I have to get over this. He is not thinking about me, calling me or wanting to be with me. Here I am hundreds of miles away wondering why the one person on this earth that I want to be with doesn't want to be with me.

I have done soooooo much to get his attention and try to make him fall for me. All to no avail. I wonder when he decided that I wasn't right for him. I wonder if he ever thought that maybe I might be. This totally and completely sucks. I am not involving myself in a pseudo-relationship EVER again.

Last night Ralf and I were talking and I explained to him a little bit about what was going on with me and Trump (obviously leaving out the big things). And he said, "Well you're salty, but at least you haven't given anything. So, you haven't lost anything."

I wish that were true.

Why

I am sad.

Every time I think about Trump I get sad.

I just want to be with him.

I want to be in his arms, talking to him, laughing with him, kissing him, just being with him.

Why must my life be like this?

Why must I dream about him? Desire him? Strive after him? Why?

I get nothing out of this -- except a sad face, broken heart and sleepless night.

I Texted Him Last Night

I rationalized that it had been two weeks since I last contacted him and he had contacted me, I think, five times since then.

So I caved.

I texted him making a comment about the news, President Bush got a shoe thrown at him. We went back and forth for a few minutes. He was busy so I told him I would let him go. I always feel like I am gushing over him every time we talk. I don't know if I should compliment him or not compliment him. Of course I am sincere, but I don't want to sound like a freakin fan club either. I just truly think he's great. I need to stop doing that. I'm not his personal ego stroker.

Anyway, he mentioned that we should hang out if I want to. If I want to!!! I resisted the urge to say, "Heck yes I want to!" I was just like "yeah we should. I'll be home in a few days so hit me up whenever." Was that desperate? I don't think so, but I am a terrible judge.

Aaaaaargh. This is driving me nuts. Tonight is Tuesday. I go home on Friday. The Caribbean is riding with me so seeing Trump this weekend isn't an option. I don't really mind. I just want him to call me and want to hang out right away even though I have to say no. If he doesn't call me at all, I'll be extremely upset -- but not surprised.

I'm starting my two weeks over again today. There are roughly 16 days left in the year and I need to be over him or with him (or something very close to either) before 2009.

I can't believe I texted him. Do I feel better? Not really. But I don't feel worse either. I won't make a habit out of this, but I figure I can text him or call him every now and then right?

I want to see him sooooo bad. *Sigh* Trump is really inside my head.

This is ridiculous.

The Last Man Ever...

Trump is not the last man I'll ever love.

I wish I could credit myself for dreaming up such a statement that is both true and freeing at the same time.

But it came from the movie, "Someone Like You" and the character 'Eddie' said it to the jilted 'Jane'. And when he said that to Jane, it hit me over the head as something so obvious.

Of course, I wouldn't say I love Trump. I am of the opinion that true love can only be mutual and the feelings that Trump inspires on the inside of me aren't the same that come from being in love. But, I do really really like him -- more than I have liked anyone in a very long time. So, for ease of putting words to something that cannot be described by anything in the English language, I will say I love him.

Anyway, I know this isn't the last time I will feel this way. I will meet someone else and I will be head over heels and the feelings will be mutual. I really believe that. I know it will happen. So, I guess the best thing for me to do is get over Trump because the right man will eventually come along and I will wonder why I ever wasted a single ounce of emotion on someone who has yet to do the same for me.

Trump has done me a favor by teaching me more about life and about what not to do. I won't let him harden me though. I won't let him turn me into a cynic. I won't let him define every man I meet in the future. I won't let him make me feel like he is the best I can do. I won't let him make me feel like true love will never happen for me.

I still believe in love. I believe in happy endings -- as well as happy beginnings and happy middles. I believe there is some incredible man out there who is just waiting to love me. I believe that I will meet someone who will make me wonder why I ever even considered that Trump was the right man for me.

I believe I will meet someone who will prove what I know to be true:

Trump is not the last man I will ever love.

Is This Helping?

When I decided two weeks ago that I would not contact Trump, I didn't anticipate that it would be so hard. I want to talk to him so bad.

My first plan was to never initiate contact twice in a row, then I decided not to contact him at all. This is very hard.

Nights like tonight I just want to call him or text him and be in his life -- even if just for a moment. But, I won't give in. I am so SAD right now. I miss him so much. I just want him to like me....

Okay, I'm whining.

But he texted me Thursday night (about five minutes after I got done telling my mom he hadn't contacted me since Monday night) to tell me about his awkward encounter with James. I cannot stand James. I called Trump and he didn't answer but then he texted me back (with no explanation as to why he ignored my call). We texted for like 15 minutes and then we stopped. Ugh. I am It's like every time I talk to him, I am happy but it just makes it worse cause I want to scream, why don't you like me????

So pitiful, am I underneath this cool exterior. Haha.

I just feel like Trump and I are so perfect for each other. I don't know why I am the only one who sees this and whether or not this is even worth my time. I just want to get over it for real. I want a future with him so bad, but I feel like it won't happen. But I want it to! I want it to!

Okay, I'm stopping now. *Sigh*

Is this even helping? Me not contacting him? I think about him just as much, if not more than ever. I'll let it go eventually.

I guess.

What I Want

The truth is, I don't know what I want.

I was sitting here reading my pastor's wife's blogs and I got to thinking about World Harvest and my life there and how everything used to be and how so much has changed.

I love my life now. 2008 has been both a great and a very trying year for me. There is still almost a month left so I never know how it will end.

What I do know is that 2009 is going to be a phenomenal year. I am going to make some major changes. Once I get my heart unwrapped from Trump, I am NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER going there emotionally, mentally and certainly not physically with any guy again -- until perhaps there is a shining diamond on my left hand. It's just not worth it.

As far as guys are concerned, this is the worst year of my life. It started out with me still head over heels for Jason May. Then I was playing around with Tai and God told me to leave him alone. And I learned how to get my heart broken by someone who doesn't even really have my heart. Then I met Trump. And, well, we'll see how that ends but so far not good. Then I met Sam and James and the Caribbean not to mention some of the random guys thrown in that never really stuck. All three were the product of a girl who doesn't listen to her instincts, but will give someone the benefit of the doubt if they're nice and cute enough.

I do know one thing: I must be friends with a guy first AND no more Alphas that's for sure.

This has been a year of great academic and career-wise triumphs yet devastating relationship losses. I've never really been able to conquer the affairs of the heart. But that's okay because that just means that I haven't found "the one" which is fine with me for right now.

Plus, in the state I am in, I am bound to have lack-luster crushes. My man choices this year read like they would have before I became a Christian. Clearly, they were doomed from the start which is unfortunate because these are some pretty great guys, even Trump...especially Trump.

But in 2009, I am not doing that anymore. I am finding a guy who is on the same page as I am. I am finding someone who likes me, whom I like, is cute, tall, a few years older than I am, lean, handsome, ambitious and a Christian. Someone who knows what is going on in the world. Someone I get along with. Someone who knows how to pick up the phone. Someone who is content with me and doesn't insist on variety. Someone who "gets" me. Someone whom I get also.

Considering my track record, it seems unlikely that I will find this person, but I will. All I need is one person right? Is anything too hard for God? Nope.

Wow. Reading Miss Joni's blog really brought me back. As Nelson Mandela once said, "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to see the ways you, yourself have altered."

I have changed. For better and for worse and from now on, I am making better choices. With God's help, I can have success in all areas of my life.

Even in affairs of the heart.

I guess I was wrong, I know exactly what I want.

An Investment I No Longer Want to Make

It's Thursday. Trump hasn't texted me since Monday and hasn't called me since last Thursday. *Sigh* Maybe he'll call me tonight. Unlikely. But, maybe. That's all I'll say about that.

Anyway, I have something else to talk about today.

I have a quote on my desktop from Donald Trump that I love.

"Experience taught me a few things. One is to listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper. The second is that you're generally better off sticking with what you know. And the third is that sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make."

I know he was talking about finances, but I need to write this out five-hundred times until I memorize it and can apply it to relationships. It sure would have helped me in my relationship with the Caribbean (and with Trump, but in different ways).

The Caribbean is a great guy, but he is not great for me. He and I, as I explained to him earlier, are trying to hold hands while walking on different sides of the street -- in opposite directions. And this is mostly my fault. I admit it. Why? Because I didn't follow the simple instructions in Donald Trump's quote.

I like him. I really do. But there are definite red flags that I have chosen to ignore until now. I have got to stop doing that, by the way. Okay here is what happened:

On Wednesday, he took me to work and I left my car at his house. At lunchtime, he told me that he had to work at the hockey game directly after work and couldn't take me back to get my car, but his older (yet irresponsible) friend was going to come get me. Ugh, I was annoyed, but was like okay whatever. Then my bosses at my internship told me they were going to dinner at 7. My battery died on my phone. I got off work at 530. I wait thirty min for the Caribbean to come meet me. Then he said his friend was on his way but he was lost (with a GPS by the way) so he would get there in thirty. There was no way that his friend was going to be able to pick me up and take me to his house to get my car and I would make it to the restaurant by seven. I didn't hide my supreme annoyance with this fact. So I had the Caribbean call me a cab. We argued back and forth about it then the taxi came. He didn't help me pay the forty dollar fare. Rude! So I go to the restaurant (thirty minutes late) and have a good time. Then I go back to the Caribbean's house because I had left some stuff in his apartment and it was locked when I went to get my car. Anyway, I sit over there and he doesn't speak to me. Not one word for an hour and a half!

Fast forward the next day and we get into a huge argument through text message. He said I was "acting crazy" and needed to "calm down" the day before. I said he left me hanging and he didn't care. This went on for an hour. Then, both still pissed, we ended the conversation.

I am of the opinion that he and I are too different.

I've known this for quite some time. It keeps coming out an inopportune moments. He disagrees that we're incompatible although I feel like last night made that pretty clear.

Maybe it's me. It probably is. I can be very disagreeable when things aren't going my way or if I feel like someone is trying to minimize my feelings about a situation that I think is very important. I know that about myself.

This is an investment that I no longer want to make...especially since it is not going anywhere. I am leaving next week, so what is the point anyway?

Tomorrow is his birthday. I bought him a microwave, although I am still pissed at him.

This is what relationships are for I guess. You learn more about the other person and you see if the relationship would work in the long run. If not, you move on. There is no sense fighting through something that probably isn't meant to be anyway. Why waste the money, time and emotional energy?

As Donald Trump says:
"Some of your best investments are the ones you don't make."

Am I Being Silly?

So...Trump texted me today.

Yes, I was inexplicably happy. I totally zoned out during my intern meeting, completely engrossed in my conversation with him. He was laughing about something that happened to me a few weeks back.

We chatted back and forth. Somehow, I managed not to flood his cell phone with text messages although I had been waiting to hear from him since Thursday night (see! I do live and learn!). We talked about some things. I mentioned that he should come to Atlanta. He said he might in the spring or summer and I said that I would come too -- if we're still friends. To which he responded, "if we're still friends?". Of course, I meant that maybe I will be completely over him by the spring and not interested in his friendship (which is not friendship at all if I am being jerked around emotionally). But I didn't tell him that. I just said that we probably will be friends but I could die or something. Morbid, I know. But he just said "God forbid [you die] and I hope we're still friends, put it like that.

I told you he was emotionally unavailable didn't I? So, that's pretty nice coming from him.

We chatted some more then I did what I was not supposed to do but I think I recovered well. Fifteen minutes after he didn't respond to a text, I sent him another text about a totally different topic. So, clearly I started a conversation with him. He did respond -- albeit he kinda brushed me off at the end with one of his famous, "Oh okay that's whassup." He always says that in a text when he is done talking to me. It fit what I was saying and anyone who hadn't spent the last nine months being blown off by him probably wouldn't have taken the hint (as I didn't sooooo many shameful times). Not this time though. I let that be the last text.

I won't say that I initiated a text or a call because technically I didn't.

And now I am sitting here chewing my lip because it's 10pm on a Monday night and I am pretty sure he is at home chillin. I could easily call him. But I am not supposed to call him.

Am I being silly though? He has initiated contact with me four times since I last contacted him. He has texted me three times and called me once. Isn't that enough? Hasn't he called me contacted me enough times for me to contact him without me (or him) feeling like I'm bugging the crap out of him?

Darn I'm not used to this. If I want something in life, I go after it. If I want to eat something, I get in my car and go get it. If I want to get an A, I study my butt off to get it. If I want to talk to someone, I pick up the phone and call him/her.

I guess what I am learning is delayed gratification. Sure, it would be easy for me to do what I have always done and that is to pick up the phone and call or text him whenever I get the urge. And sure he might talk back and I'll be happy. But what about the times he doesn't respond for hours or even days or just never responded at all?. He used to do that to me all the time. He hasn't done it much lately even before I started this no-contact thing (except during Thanksgiving and one other time I think), but he does still have the capacity to do it. I absolutely, positively, hate that. It's not worth the risk of being humiliatingly ignored. I'm tired of that. So even though I want to so bad, I will not call him. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

I am trying something new.

Besides, I always answer his calls and texts immediately. So, it's not like I'm playing games (I keep feeling the need to say that because my mom insists that I am). I explained to her that it is much too late to play hard to get with Trump. Instead, I am just trying to stay sane.

Right now, I pour everything out into this blog, but soon I'm not even going to do that. He will one day not be such a big deal to me and I will be pleasantly surprised if I do here from him like I am with JMay or any other guy I used to date.

So, I want to call him or text him tonight, but I won't. Besides, even though I have a feeling he would answer and we would have a really good chat that would send me to bed with a smile on my face, that is not my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to get with him or over him and me calling or texting him right now will not help me reach that goal.

So, the question is, am I being silly?

Of course not.

Seven Whole Days

Exactly 169 hours have passed since I last contacted Trump. That's right! I am patting myself on the back because seven days have went by since I last called or texted him. Amazing, right?

He hasn't called me since Thursday night.

I'm kind of sad. I miss talking to him. I wish I could convince him to come visit me down here. But that would be counterproductive seeing as I am trying to get over him lol. I don't know what I want.

I keep thinking that he called me Thursday night and then met some fabulous girl at the bar and has now forgotten all about me. Of course I have no real reason to believe that other than the fact that he is one of the finest most intelligent man in all of Columbus and must meet girls when he is picking up the newspaper off his front porch. What are the chances of his meeting a girl that would make him not want to talk to me? Hmmm. Not sure. I hope they're unlikely. Besides, I know that too often my flights of fancy are solely my imagination and are not real events at all (see: "And then I flooded his cell phone with text messages").

However, I did imagine that Tai had kissed his ex when in reality they had sex twice. So sometimes my imagination is right on target or even less traumatizing than real events.

Either way, I have not contacted Trump for seven days and that has to count for something. I wonder if he has noticed. I wish he would call/text me. *Sigh*. This is the problem. I flood his phone with calls and texts but as soon as I stop, I get nothing from him.

Doesn't he miss me?

I miss him.

What Am I Doing?

What am I doing?

Honestly.

The Caribbean texts me asking me to come over and I'd rather sulk at home half-hoping and waiting for the text message or call from Trump that will, more than likely, never come.

This is the story of my life.

Someone likes me and I like someone else. Ugh. This is terrible!

It wasn't always this way with the Caribbean. I feel like more and more I am over him. I thought I really liked him, but the more I get to know him, the more I realize that we're not really right for each other.

I don't know if it is because he insisted on having sex with me, he patronizes me, goes on and on and on about how great it is that he works for the Hawks or what. He is so incredibly nice to me. He cares about me.

Or does he just want to be with someone and I happen to be that girl?

I feel like that is the case with us.

I feel like I am being rushed like this is too much too soon and I'm about to leave anyway.

But how much of this, if anything, has to do with Trump?

This is ridiculous.

This will not be my life.

I will marry someone that I love and will not have the slightest feelings for anyone else.

This is why I have to get over it. I will not pine after Trump while wonderful men who like me pass me by. I haven't been doing that though, really. I mean James and Sam were nice enough but neither were my type at all. And I feel that with the Caribbean, God is preventing me from liking him, knowing that it will only lead to disaster.

I don't know. This is so ridiculous. I am tired of feeling this way.

I just don't like the Caribbean that much. We don't have hardly anything in common. Sometimes we just sit on the phone in silence. Me, silent. Imagine that! But we just don't mesh. But do we not mesh because of Trump or just because we don't mesh? I need to stop getting myself in these situations -- liking guys at first then realizing we have virtually nothing in common so I stop liking them. It's high-time that I met someone whom I like that likes me.

Is that so hard?

New Plan!!

Okay I have a new plan.

Well not exactly a new plan. But I have a new strategy to add to my overall plan of getting over Trump.

For the next week, I WILL NOT...

1) Listen to ANY relationship music not even from my "So Over It" playlist
2) Read ANY magazines having to do with relationships
3) Watch any chick-flicks or Sex and the City

I don't know how this will work when I always read magazines on the treadmill and listen to music on my way to work.

I have got to let go of this guy though and the only way to keep something alive is to feed it. So I am going into love-starvation mode. I don't want to read about it, talk about it, listen to it -- anything.

This should help me get over him.

Yay for a new plan!

A Dance for One

Today is a particularly hard day for no particular reason. I want to call Trump so bad. But I have willpower. I will not, cannot call him. But wow I want to.

It is amazing to me that I can be sitting here thinking so hard about someone who, more than likely, hasn't thought about me all day. What is that about anyway?

I have a theory. There are certain people in everyone's life who are only in said person's life because that person keeps up all contact and if that person decides to cut off contact, then the relationship will disintegrate altogether. Real relationships are two-sided. It takes "two to tango". But if one person stops dancing, then the other person is dancing alone even if she refuses to admit it.

Is that what is going on with me and Trump? Is this "friendship" totally one-sided? Have I both initiated and nurtured a relationship that I will be killing if I stop feeding it? Is that I want to happen? Can I imagine myself with anyone but Trump?

The truth is, I want to marry this man. It's weird to put that into words. He is nothing I want and everything I need. I have no idea why I met him. I have no idea why things have turned out the way they have. All I know is when I think of him, all I want is to do is be with him and that is weird.

This is consuming my life. He is consuming my life. And to be completely honest with myself, I hate this. I don't want to spend my 22nd year on this earth utterly obsessed with a man who can hardly be bothered to contact me. This is not Sex and the City. This is not some silly chick-flick. This is my life and I am in a terrible, terrible funk!

It's like my life has no luster without him. This is ridiculous though! I was fine before I met him. I need to be fine now. But how can I be fine?

How can I be "fine" knowing that there is someone walking around this earth who epitomizes my dream come true? That is minus the fact that he isn't a Christian and probably doesn't have a monogamous bone in his body -- and those are two HUGE minuses. Otherwise he is perfect for me: gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, knows and cares what is going on in the world, mature, tall, slim, ambitious, self-sufficient and even Greek!...I could go on and on. Why oh why did I meet him? Why me? Why now?

I can imagine marrying him, having kids with him, growing old with him. THIS IS SO WEIRD!!!

All I can think about is him. This is not my nature. I am so annoyed. I need to do something else. I need to get it together. One day I will look back on all this and remember how ridiculous I was being.

I wish he felt the same way about me. The fact is, he doesn't. The sooner I get over this, the better. Until then, I will not call/text him. Wow, this is hard.

But, if I am dancing alone then maybe it's time that I found another partner -- one that I actually want to be with and who wants to be with me. Someone ten times better than Trump. Anything is possible right?

This dance I'm in right now is lonely.

And we're up...

Clearly I jumped to conclusions in my last post.

I was literally beating myself up all day and night only to have Trump text me the next afternoon and CALL me the next evening.

You heard right. Trump has set an all-time record. He has initiated contact with me (count 'em) THREE times since I contacted him. And he even complimented me twice! I think I'm in shock. Which is ridiculous. Why should I be in shock? Trump should call me and text me right? Yes, of course. I'm just amazed because he actually did!

He texted me to tell me that he saw a pic of me on Facebook and that he liked it. And we chatted back and forth. I didn't flood his inbox (yay! point for me!) aaaannnnnddddd I offered to end the conversation first (score!) and then I called him my favorite frat and he called me his favorite Soror! Whether or not he was being sincere is yet to be determined, but I am assuming so. And I think I smiled for the rest of the day.

Then he called me that night (around 1am) to tell me a story about something that happened to him. I find some satisfaction that he wants to share good news with me. We chatted for a little bit. We talked about family and he wanted to know when I am coming home (the verdict is still out on whether we'll actually hang out -- I'm crossing my fingers for a real dinner/movie date). Then he apologized about having to hop off the phone because he reached his destination. I was knocked out when he called me so I didn't mind. Needless to say, I dreamed about him.

So, I guess this is a sign that I need to stop tripping. I am going to continue my lack of contact -- at least until he calls me on it. I doubt he has noticed. I have noticed though. I have noticed that I am a LOT less stressed when I am not second-guessing and going crazy over why he hasn't responded to my call or a text. It is so freeing! And I get the pleasant surprise of him contacting me for a change!

My mother thinks I'm playing games, but she has no idea what I have been through with this man. I'm not playing games. I just am using a different strategy to reach my ultimate goal: either get with him or get over him.

So this is day four (I think) and I am feeling great! We have a long way to go as far as me determining how he really feels about me. It is SO hard to tell. But at least he isn't holding my ridiculousness the other day against me. Yay!

On a side note: He knows I'm not on Facebook so I wonder if I am missing anything like cryptic statuses or flirty posts on my "friends" walls..... That's dumb. I need to stop.

Then I Flooded His Cell Phone With Text Messages

This is what I hate about Trump. He brings out the worst and me and makes me feel insanely insecure and makes me neurotically second-guess myself. Something as silly as a text message will make it so I can't sleep, going over and over in my head what I could've, would've, should've said. Yes! A TEXT MESSAGE!! Ugh I am annoyed beyond belief. So here's what happened:

Trump texts me yesterday (he hardly ever texts me during the day so this was a pleasant surprise) asking me if I deactivated my Facebook account. My absence from Facebook got his attention! Okay, I found lots of pleasure in that.

Anyway, I text him back saying Yes but only until I get home in two weeks. So far, so good. Then he texted me asking me what I do since I am not at work or school anymore. And then I flooded his cell phone with text messages (write that on this relationship potential's tombstone). I said, I still have my internship. Another intern quit so I work on M,W,F now. Then I went on saying but other than that I don't know. I'm trying not to spend money so I workout at home, read and write all the time. That seemed insanely boring to me so then I said: Plus I'm looking at where I can work when I graduate. I'm a little freaked out. But I'm about to have the craziest six months of my life so I'm chillin now. Yes. You read that right. I sent him three text messages! Lol. Rambling.

What I should have said was, "I'm still @ my internship. But anyway, how are you?" That's what I SHOULD have said. But, instead I flooded his inbox. So he said, "You'll be fine lol. I didn't know you were still at CNN." Then he said, "I have to hit you back later. ttys." I responded, "You make me laugh." then "Have a nice day." And then I begged God to rewind the time so I could go back and not make myself sound like an idiot.

Needless to say, Trump did not text/call me back last night.

This all happened yesterday and hear I am still obsessing about it. Why oh why do I do this? I get on these kicks where I determine that I won't contact him, but as soon as he contacts me, it's like a floodgate opens and I pour out everything that has been bottled up since I last talked to him! It's ridiculous.

On the flip side, Trump knows me. He knows how I am. This is not the first time I have rambled and he has rushed me off the phone or off text messaging. So, is he completely turned off from this one time? Maybe. Darn I have got to stop doing this.

Glamour magazine advises us chatty girls to not give men our life story but instead paraphrase. He doesn't want to hear the mundane details of our lives. Let's leave that to our friends. I know all of this already, yet I still did that today! Ugh I want to scream!!!! Then Trump doesn't call me back. I am not going to call/text him either. I want to though. I want to ask him if I was talking too much and if that is why he stopped texting me. How desperate does that sound? I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to forget it.

Trump makes me crazy. Clearly. I need to get it together. I just like him so much, I turn into a girl I don't even recognize. I'm done with this -- anyone who makes me feel this insecure from a simple text message just isn't worth it. Ugh.

Where is the rewind button in life?

Breaking a Habit

Research has found that it takes 21 days to break a habit.

That is good news for me because incessantly desiring Trump is definitely a habit I need to break.

In 21 days, I will be dropping the Carribean off at the airport in Ohio. And at the rate I am going now, I can guarantee that I will be calling Trump before I even pull out of the parking garage. He won't answer of course or call me back at all that evening. Then maybe he'll text me the next day. In conversation, I'll tell him I am home. He will feign interest in that information. I'll suggest we go out. He will say we should and promise to call me later that night. I will pick out a cute outfit and deny my friends when they ask to kick it telling them I already have plans. I will get home around 10-ish and pretend I am not waiting for him to call. No call will come. If I am strong, I will say forget it and go to sleep. I am not strong. So, I will text him around midnight. He will not respond. He will text me at 4am apologizing because he fell asleep. A variation of this exact situation has happened countless times in the past nine months we have known each other. Sad right? Precisely.

I will not. I cannot go through that anymore. It's degrading. It's insulting. It kills my self-esteem. It is (like Trump himself) a total waste of my time.

So, I have a new plan -- a plan with a deadline.

I am going to spend the next 21 days breaking the habit that is Trump.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is so necessary. I am obsessed with this guy and the quicker I get over him, the better for my sanity.

My plan is to not call him, text him, email him, Facebook message him -- no contact whatsoever -- until further notice and ideally never again.

Why?

Because I am wasting my time with him. I like him SO much. I can see spending the rest of my life with him. But, he clearly doesn't feel that way about me. If he does, it is about time he showed it. How can he miss me if I never go away? And how will I get over him if I never let go?

In the next 21 days, I figure one of two things will happen.
A) I will ignore him thus prompting him to contact me
B) Our "relationship" will disintegrate without my constant nurturing and I'm not going to care.

Both options above bode well for me because neither involves me liking him while he clearly doesn't like me.

21 days to get over Trump. I can totally do this. I get straight A's in school. I have interned at two different national news stations. I can exercise for 45 minutes straight. I can read a 500-page book. I can process new information quickly. I can dance. I can write poetry. God has graced me with a lot of talents and abilities. Surely, I can get over Trump.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13

Facebook

I deactivated Facebook today. This is the third time I've done that. I did it once cause I got pissed at this girl (who I knooooow) was writing mean things in my honesty box. The second time I was in NYC and needed to get a life and the third time (today) for the exact same reason.

Facebook feeds my unhealthy obsession with Trump. And I feel like I am too available to him all the time. So I deactivated it. But just until I get back to Ohio. I need to stay off Facebook all the time anyway. It is a time-drainer for real.

Heartless

Maybe I'm the one that's heartless
Maybe I'm the one that's cruel
Maybe I'm not the victim after all
Maybe I'm the teacher in this school
The times that i thought it mattered
Yet you reminded me you didn't care
The great memories of a fantasy I lived
Moments we never actually shared
The blank stare in your eyes says it all
You're speechless once again
Can't offer me time, love, or affection
Just a meager, "you're still my friend?"
Your chest is empty
And my eyes are bone dry
Even after everything
It's clearly hopeless for you and I
Pass the blame, it's time now
To decide who let it go
To decide who tried to express their feelings
And who didn't care to know.
I tried to share it with you
Let my love free like a horse from it's harness
I knew you weren't ready and I didn't care
So maybe I'm the one that's heartless

Here I Stand

Here I stand
Oblivious to the pain
Yet very aware of the emotions
That make other's eyes rain

Here I stand
Wishing there was more
But unable to force things
To be like they were before

Here I stand
In the weakest of states
Unable to remain composed in your presence
We all make mistakes

Here I stand
Still reeling from it all
Still wishing there was something
Still wishing I didn't fall

Here I stand
Alone without you
Wondering what would have happened
If we could've made it through

Here I stand
Unable to move
Yet unable to stay
With a love that isn't proved

Here I stand.

Hard To Let Go

Who knew it would be this hard to let go
Who knew that I would still care so
Who knew when we met that I would care so much
Who knew that I would long for your touch
For your presence near me, your voice in my ear
Your breath on my skin, my heart beats when you're near
Who knew that I would be hurt so bad
Who knew that you would make me so sad
Who knew that I would get this involved
Who knew that I wouldn't see it coming all along
I didn't want this
I didn't ask for this
I was fine before I met you
Now what do I do
We are not meant to be
But so badly I want you with me
Even though I know we would never work
In my dreams you still lurk
You remain in my thoughts
Remain in my dreams
Reminiscing on our time together
Everything reminds me of you it seems
I want to let go
Believe me I try
Just the thought of you
Makes me want to cry
I didn't think it would be this hard
This hard to walk away
Didn't think I would be so hurt
And left with so many words to say
I brought this on myself
Better than this I should know
But I didn't realize when I held on
How hard it would be to let go...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I have dreams most nights of the week. Some are short, some are long, some about people I know, most are silly. I forget many of them as soon as I wake up. This one was different though. This dream was weird! Almost a nightmare. So bizarre, that I woke up and wrote down the entire thing.

****************
I was wearing a white, halter-top wedding dress standing in some sort of room. Both guys and girls were bustling about. I was just standing there, maybe looking in a mirror, and all of the sudden I started freaking out.

I realized, for what felt like the first time, I didn't want to get married!

I began going over the reasons in my head: I had just met him. My parents weren't there, my friends weren't there. I didn't plan to come to Atlanta (?) and meet someone and get married. I thought to myself, I can just get married now because all the people are here and then get divorced later. Then I shook that thought out of my head. No, it's better to end this before the wedding than after the wedding even if it is my wedding day. When I get married I want to be married for good and not get divorced.

I turned and asked a passer-by for my engagement ring and that person handed it to me. I slipped the ring onto my middle finger. "Wrong finger." I laughed, pulling the ring off. The person looked at me strangely as I pushed the ring down on my ring finger. The diamond shined up at me but I noted that it was the type of engagement ring I hated -- diamond solitaire. Yuck. This isn't what I wanted.

I sighed and looked around. All these people were in the room helping me get ready (fixing my hair and putting on my makeup) and I was letting them help me while I kept thinking to myself that I didn't think I should get married. I told one girl that I was calling off the wedding because I couldn't go through with it. It was too much. It was too fast. I walked up to another girl, gripping her arm and whispering frantically, telling her the same thing. I gave them my reasons and kept adding more. In fact, when I was talking to the last girl it dawned on me that I didn't even know if he was married to someone else. I tried to remember if he had a wife and kids. For some reason, I felt like he did.

“Where is Brad?” I began asking people in the room. They said he had just walked past the room we were in. “Did he see me?” I asked urgently. Someone said yes and I said, "Dang that's bad luck!" Then I thought to myself, oh well I'm calling off the wedding anyway.
I stopped to take pictures with friends because I figured even if I didn't go through with the wedding, I wanted to remember how pretty I looked.

I kept thinking to myself, I've got to call this off right now. I asked one of the guys where Brad was and he pointed out to the field. Immediately, I ran out of the room, outside and down the porch steps. For a second, I could see myself, fully decked out in my wedding dress with my hair and makeup intact. I was holding the length of my dress at my sides so I could run. I was running out into the field where tons of guys were throwing a football around.

I saw the back of a white man with super curly hair. He was dressed in a white button down shirt, black dress pants and an open black vest. There he is, I thought to myself. I started screaming Brad's name. The man turned around and I stopped abruptly, startled to realize this man was not Brad. I don't even know what he looks like from behind I moaned to myself.

Then I turned and to my relief, there was Brad. He easily caught the football gliding toward him. He spotted me and grinned. He was cute, brown-skinned, about 6'8 (he had to bend down to hug me) and was dressed in jeans and a long sleeve camel colored shirt. He is wearing jeans. I was irritated at the thought, but ignored it because of what I was about to say. Brad seemed pleased to see me in my wedding dress and after he hugged and kissed me on the cheek, he stood there grinning at me. I barreled on.

"We can't get married." The words fell out of my mouth. His smile faded. He was gripping the football looking at me like I was crazy.

"What? Why not?" He asked me.

"I'm sorry. This just isn't a good idea.” I said.

He put his head down, I tipped his head up to look at me and went on telling with my explanations, "My mom isn't here. My dad isn't here. My best friends aren't here. I didn't expect to come to Atlanta and get married. I don't even know if you're married. I don't even know what you look like from behind."

"Huh?" I lost him at the last reason.

I tried to explain, "Before, when I was looking for you, I thought someone else was you and it wasn't and I realized that I can't recognize you from behind....never mind. I know we’re not, but just feel like we're eloping. I can't go through with this. I'm so sorry."

Then he started giving me all these reasons for us to get married. He was trying to change my mind. I was growing more annoyed by the second. "I was just out here and I was just going to catch this football then run in there and marry you." He looked at me with sadness in his eyes.

"I'm sorry." I said weakly.

And then I thought to myself, This is why brides run away with no explanation. Here I am trying to be nice and give some sort of explanation and he is trying to talk me out of it! I could’ve just run away and just left a note for someone to take to him at the altar. But I wouldn't do that because I would die if someone did that to me. I always want an explanation. But if I would’ve known it would have turned out like this then I would have just got into a cab or in a limo with my friends and been the runaway bride. Oh wait, my friends aren't here. Are black girls ever runaway brides anyway?

He was still staring at me when I turned and walked away.

I felt like a weight had been lifted and I thought to myself, I'm glad I got out of that. I did not want to get married right now. Who's going to tell the guests? I guess he will
Then I woke up.

****************
I have no idea what any of that means (if anything at all). I am soooo weirded out.

The weirdest parts of my dream are that my “finacee” had a name yet I don’t know anyone named Brad (with the exception of one of my bosses at CNN and Brad Pitt haha). And there were tons of people, I knew everyone but I didn’t recognize any of the faces as people that I know now.

My mom had a pretty good interpretation that I am mostly satisfied with but I am still mulling this one over.

Whatever that dream means, one thing is clear. I need to stop watching chick-flicks, reading chick-lit and reading women’s magazines for a while ‘cause, clearly, my head is a mess.

The Last Battle

The struggle is over
The words, they've come and gone
The lies that I told myself
While I insisted to hold on
Have been replaced by the truth
As inconvenient as it may be
There is nothing left
No hope left for you and me
I wanted to talk to you
But didn't know what to say
And what is the point of trying
When your eyes give it away
They beg me to walk away
So there is no reason for me to stay
Why endure one more day
Of my heart in disarray?
Remember when we hoped
Remember when we believed
Remember when we tried
Oh wait that was all just me
Caught up in a fantasy
Drowning in self-imposed misery
Wanting and waiting for something that could never be
Who remains locked inside misery
While simultaneously holding the key
Again, that would be me
So the struggle is over
I surrender, I give in
I lose...
...You win.

Letter to Him

Dear Trump,

I guess I should start off by telling you that I lied. I lied about not believing in unrequited love. Because I am definitely in love with you – and I know the feelings aren’t mutual. I run the risk of sounding insecure, desperate, and needy (and I am none of those things), but I want to know why. I want to know why you don’t feel the same way about me. I want to know what you’re looking for that I don’t have. I’m pretty. I’m smart. I have standards. I like you a lot. I know I’m not a perfect 10, but I know that I could love you perfectly.

I have tried everything imaginable to get you to like me. From ignoring you to having sex with you. Nothing at all has ever worked and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand what you want or what you’re looking for, but apparently I don’t have that. I love you. I love your hair, your eyebrows, your voice, your walk, the space between your shoulders. I love your condo, your chair (with the O State blanket). I love your kitchen and your truck. I love your phone and your soft headboard (lol). I love your long sleeved shirts and the fact that you have two televisions in your living room. I love your phone number. I love the way you say my name Aliisssssa. LOL. I love every little thing about you. Even the parts of you that any sane girl would hate (ie. your womanizing ways lol). I think that everything about you is wonderful. Well almost everything

I hate that you don’t feel the same way about me. I hate that you don’t think about me and want to call me and visit me and be with me. I hate how you make me feel ugly, insecure and stupid. I hate that you won’t even give me a chance to be your girlfriend. I know that’s my own fault for getting involved with a man like you. But YOU KNOW WHAT, I got involved. I fell. Hard as ever and I am just hanging on for dear life hoping that maybe one day, maybe you would care and want to be with just me. I long for the day when you take me in your arms and kiss me unsolicited and say, “Alissa, I love you.” and mean it. That would mean the world to me.

Will I find another guy like you? Maybe, hopefully. But I can’t see that happening because you are the epitome of what I want in a man – except I do wish you were a Christian like me. But, I love you, I love you and I love you. I hate that you seem to not really care about me. You jerk me around like a crazy person. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe it’s my own hope that keeps me hanging on. Maybe you don’t encourage me at all. Doubtful. You talked to me all night on the phone TWICE. Who can you talk to that way? For that long? No one right? What is wrong with me that you don’t want to be with me?

I hate when you compliment me because it seems so insincere. Every time you say how great I am, I want to scream: THEN WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME? That’s my major question. If I am so smart and together and have swag or whatever, then why in the world don’t you want me to be your girlfriend? I cannot and will not ever understand that. You break my heart. And I stick around. I guess a part of me still wants to be there if you ever do come around. But I will be devastated if I wait around and you never show up. I need to leave you alone. I seriously do. This is a fantasy that is never going to happen. Right? What do you feel? Could you please tell me? Do you feel anything at all? Do you want to be with me at all? Is there any part of you that likes me a lot? Could you love me one day?

I’ve cried over you, I’ve written about you, I’ve thought about you, I’ve talked about you. All till I am blue in the face. I’m borderline obsessed with you. Your not loving me drives me insane!!! I want to jump up and down screaming: pick me! Pick me! When you settle down, pick me!!! I’m right here!

You would make me the happiest woman in the world and I would try my best to make you the happiest man. But if I don’t have a chance with you, then please, allow me to get over you and LEAVE ME ALONE. Thanks

Alissa

November 21, 2008

Mr. Big

I've come to the conclusion that Mr. Big is a jerk.

I like Sex and the City. I think Carrie Bradshaw's character is hilarious and she is enough like me to keep me interested, but not enough like me to make me hate the show. Of course, I frown upon all the sex they have. I mean, sheesh! That's pretty gross. Beyond that, it's a great show that I think that any woman who deals with men can relate to.

I especially like the story about Carrie and Mr. Big. Mr. Big reminds me of Trump. Older, attractive and independent. Of course Trump is much, much cuter than Mr. Big and also much younger, but there are some personality resemblances that I've noticed. Mr. Big dates Carrie though which is a difference between me and Trump, but I'll let that detail slide for now. Besides,
as I said,

Mr. Big is a jerk.

He treats Carrie sooooo mean! I don't need that or want that in my life at all. For all his wonderful qualities and all the times he has actually showed Carrie some sort of affection in return, he also did her soooo wrong. And that's why I think that happy endings hardly make up for terrible middles. If you know what I'm saying.

I used to say I want someone like Mr. Big. But I realized that I don't. I don't want to be with a jerk like that. I hope that if Trump ever does open his heart to me, that will be it and it won't be a continuous heart-shattering runaround like Big did with Carrie. I mean, come on. Everytime I watch that show, I want to strangle him -- and her for that matter.

Love shouldn't be that hard. Guys shouldn't be that mean and girls shouldn't be that needy. I have to admit that Carrie was doing way too much at times, but then again she was thirty-something and getting a little desperate.

There is a part of me that is willing to endure all things just for a happy ending with Trump. I don't know why I am like that. It's not even healthy. And it may not work out. Maybe I will have endured all things just for him to get married, or at least in a serious relationship with someone else (I really, really hope this doesn't happen while I still like him). I would be devastated. I shudder just thinking about it. But maybe I will endure all things just for him to finally open his heart to me. Mr. Big finally opened his heart to Carrie right? So there's hope!

But Mr. Big is a fictional character and Trump isn't.

Besides, Mr. Big is a jerk anyway.

Oh What A Month Can Bring

At this point, I am not sure what I am supposed to think.

A month ago I decided that Trump just wanted to be left alone. However, at this point, I am not so sure.

There hasn't been an incredible amount of change of events. He still hardly contacts me, but we have talked a few times. Once we talked all night! We talked as friends, but a part of me feels he wants more than that.

This is what some would call "inconsistent reinforcement". Does he like me? Does he not like me? I cannot stand wondering, but I feel like that is all I do lately -- just wonder. I really just want to be over it. It is hard though. I feel like one day I will be over it, but will I really? I think a part of me doesn't want to be over it. I want to be with him. I just want a chance I think. I mean, I'm not asking to marry the guy. I just want the opportunity to date him so that all of this will not be in vain. Is that too much to ask? Am I being utterly ridiculous. Probably. Do I care? Not really.

What He Wants

I was reading, How to Win Friends and Influence People. It is a great book that Trump recommended to me because of my bad luck with dealing with most of my sorority line sisters. I am reading the book two years too late, but I am bound to need the principles in my life at some point.

However, the other day I was reading a part that talks about giving people what they want in order to get what you want. It is very, very good. But I got to thinking. What do I want? In relationships that is obvious. I want the undivided love and attention of Trump -- if not Trump, someone insanely better. I can't fathom that though so right now I will just say I want Trump. After I concluded that I wondered to myself, what does Trump want? I pondered this for a few minutes then it hit me like a freight train.

Trump wants to be left alone by me.

If anyone else would've said that to me, I would have slapped her. But, I can't slap myself hard enough for it to make sense to slap myself so I sat there wallowing in the inconvenient truth.

Trump hardly calls, texts or messages me. When I'm in town, he has every excuse not to hang out. He is off and then on. And never the initiator. He is a lot of work for me, if you can't tell. But that is because he wants me to leave him alone. Unbelievable that I didn't realize this before.

I hate when guys bug me and I'm doing it to Trump right now! I message him, call him, text him and everything all the time. Sometimes he politely talks to me. Most of the time, I am ignored. And either way, I always do all the initial contact. What have I been thinking? Why can't I leave this man alone? If I disappeared from his life right now, he wouldn't notice.

It's sad to think about but so very, very true. I have been living in a cave. But how, I ask myself, how in the world do I begin to unattach this man from my heart and my mind? This is going to take Divine Intervention. I have never been able to get over an old man without replacing him with a new one. But I have no interest in doing that, plus I like Trump so much, I would be doing any new man a disservice. I am done though. Beginning today, October 18th, I am giving Trump exactly what he wants.

I am leaving him alone.

Rejection Sucks

I was going to make my first blog something about myself, but I decided to just dive right in.

It's not as though I've never been rejected before. I can name all the guys who had full knowledge that I liked them and didn't like me back. Thankfully, it is a small number. But I still have that experience.

But, those rejections are different.

Those don't cut as deep because they hurt nothing except maybe my pride. One of my favorite quotes is, "Looking back, I realize it was just my ego. I didn't really love him. But I cried when I realized he didn't love me." I like that quote because it is so true. My past rejections were not personal. The guys never gave me a chance and I only had a surface-liking for them. Nothing serious. The feelings were fleeting and as soon as I realized they weren't mutual, my affections evaporated as if they never existed. This time is not like all of those other times.

I guess with Trump, I had hope. Whether or not he fed that hope or if I just barreled full speed ahead without the slightest bit of encouragement depends on the observer. I feel that he gave me hope. I also spotted a picture of his ex. Not pretty. I think that emboldened me a little too. I felt a man so wonderful should be with a woman who made sense. Not one who well didn't make sense -- at least in pictures. So, I thought that maybe I had a real chance. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Trump took full stock of me and everything I had to offer him and he r-e-j-e-c-t-e-d me. A lesser woman's already fragile self-esteem would have been crushed. My self-esteem was built to last. I can't say the same for my heart.

So many warning signs pointed me to the door, but I stayed the course because I am a winner and I refuse to lose. Love isn't a game but I didn't want the man to marry me (well, I wouldn't have said no either). I just wanted him to want me. And I played every card I had and went home empty-handed and broken-hearted.

Lately I have been coming across different books and magazines filled with stories of girls just like me. They too were in the same situation with a guy whose oxytocin levels were dangerously low and flight risk enormously high. In a way, it's comforting to know that I'm not the dumbest brood in America. But in another way it's maddening that guys get away with this kind of behavior.

Even Carribean Cutie is acting strangely toward me. He used to call me and and invite me over all the time. Lately? Zilch. I can only assume it's because I refused to give in to him. Go figure that one. He can blame Trump -- who also doesn't seem to want to talk to me.

It is just as I suspected. I can't win with these men. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Which is why I won't -- ever again.

Rejection sucks. Literally. It sucks the life right out of everything. And for me, it is potent and strong and looms just below the surface weighing down my heart just enough that I never forget it, but not enough that anyone notices the source of my sometimes funky mood.

I hate being rejected.