Seven Whole Days

Trump texted me tonight.

Shocked doesn't begin to describe. I texted him last Friday (while he was at the hospital) and we texted back and forth a little then and then I sent him a message Sunday he responded then he didn't respond to the super long one I sent later that night. Trump hasn't initiated contact with me since he told me that Rachel was pregnant. (WOW!!!! I just realized that!!!!). Anyway, tonight he just said that he saw some of my bruhs in Columbus and he thought of me.

We chatted through text back and forth for a little bit He was with the Alphas and this was their crossing weekend or whatever. He said he is coming down here in the Spring. (I am PRAYING that I am 100% over him by then). I asked him about his baby and he said that he loves being a dad. I said, "Awwwww! It's just one more thing for you to be good at". And he said "thank you." I can't help but to be sweet to him. I still have feelings for him, but I'm getting over them. The realistic part of me is saying to let it go. I'm not even replacing him with anyone else. I'm just letting go. I didn't flood him with text messages (yay for me!!!!) and he said "thank you" last. He did start dropping out of the conversation at the end, but maybe he got busy. I don't know. Whatever.

I was happy he texted me today though (happier than I should be). Does this mean he wants to be friends? We can be friends. I need to stop complimenting him so much. I can't help it. We are obviously not meant to be though. I'm happy he contacted me though. Although, he STILL hasn't responded to my FB message (apparently this is my response). I'm not going to call or text him still though and I am still trying my hardest to get over him. God is really helping me with that.

The saga is over. We've come to the end of the road. The end of the story. Maybe we'll be friends. Maybe we won't. I've gotta move on.

This has been the most dysfunctional relationship in my entire existence. So much energy expended on a guy who is just not that into me. Ugh. Never again.

*** I don't take him texting me as anymore than God's way of giving me a little bit of relief from feeling devastated. A text message is the simplest thing, but it's kinda nice and I've been doing good this week not contacting him (I did stalk his FB page using Shanice's account yesterday -- he hasn't updated his account in weeks though so that was a waste!!! LOL ***

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I wish I could just know what happened.

Someway, somehow I really blew it with Trump. When I was in Atlanta (and even a little in NYC), we used to talk all the time. Now, it seems that I'm back in Ohio and we never talk.

Maybe he figured out that I am crazy about him and I cant control my sporadic emotions (one day I hate him, the next day I love him -- but really I just love him period).

I figured out that I might have an addiction to him and right now I am just going through withdrawals as I break myself off him cold turkey. Doesn't he like me? I am so devatstaed that he never calls me or texts me. I wrote him another one of my LONG Facebook messages about us being friends and seeing how he felt about it. Then I deactivated Facebook. So, I don't know if he was going to respond or if he will ever respond. I shouldn't care cause I am supposed to be breaking myself of him, but I do care. I care SO MUCH.

I didn't ask him about the baby. I should have. That was selfish. I care about his life though, more than he can even imagine. I don't know why I didn't ask about his baby and how he the new father thing is doing.

I guess I should give him his space. Maybe he is trying to work things out with Rachel. Maybe his heart has changed since the baby came along. Tai's heart did. Trump is a grown man too, he's not a child so maybe he is re-thinking his decisions.

I need to rid myself of him. Every time my phone beeps (text message or email) and every time it rings, I find myself holding my breath wishing...hoping it is him. It never is.

I have to let this go. I just wish I knew where I went wrong. Maybe he was never attracted to me. Maybe he just used me cause I'm easy to him. Maybe he could never see himself with a girl like me. Maybe I talk too fast and I'm not cute enough for his taste. Maybe I don't have a good enough body or my voice is too deep. Maybe he thinks I'm a know-it-all.

He thinks something because if he didn't, he would surely call me and want to talk to me and want to be with me. Every other guy does. What is his problem? We should have never had sex. I'm never hacing sex with anyone else EVER again until my wedding night.

I'm not even getting heavily involved with guys. I don't understand why God won't just deliver me of my addiction to Trump or at least make him like me a little bit. What's the problem? What is my problem? Why can't I just chalk it up and move on?

It's A Boy

Trump had his baby yesterday.

Less than a MONTH after he told me Rachel was pregnant, their 8-pounds, 9oz 21-inch baby was born. I texted him (I know, I'm weak!!!) last night because I was going to Columbus. He texted me back and we chatted for a few minutes before I asked him if he was coming to Columbus. He said, "No I'm not goin out tonight, cus im at the hospital. I'm a dad! lol."

I think someone slammed me in the head with a ton of bricks. It's hard to tell though because nothing could have possibly hit me harder than that text message. I sat there in shock for a moment then said congratulations and all that. I was really happy for him. Then I started crying. I mean, sobbing, bawling...the whole thing.

I knew it was coming. I just didn't expect it to be so soon and I didn't expect it to hit me so hard. It was as if it was finally over between us. Finally.

I called my mom and, like always, she made me feel better. She told me, "You shouldn't feel bad for liking him and wanting to be with him. He made the bad choice, not you. You two could've been great together and he made his own bad decisions. It's not your fault." And then Shanae said, "You may be sad right now, but you made out the best in this situation. Sure, you're feelings are hurt but you'll get over it and at the end of the day, he is stuck with a baby by a girl he doesn't love and she is stuck with a baby by a guy who doesn't love her." And that was true too. I love my friends.

I do feel like Trump liked me at one point. I mean, part of me feels like I don't even know him at all. The other part of me feels like he really did care about me at some point and we could've been great together. But now he has her and his son and I don't fit anywhere in that picture so I have to go my own way.

It's just so unfortunate. Part of me wants to be there for him every day but I am not going to pressure him to be in a friendship or relationship with me that he doesn't want to be in. That's not my style.

I am devastated. Beyond brokenhearted. Disappointed. Every sad feeling imaginable. But this is the final nail in the coffin. I *must* move on from here. I have no choice. I'll find someone else someday. It's just hard because I feel like I never meet guys I like or guys who like me. I will though. One day.

Making Me Crazy

He's making me crazy.

Like cuckoo. Psycho, schizophrenic crazy. One minute I want him to fall off the face of the earth, the next minute I'm wistfully wishing he would call me, then I'm calling him, he's not answering (or calling/texting me back) and then I am super sad and just want to eat ice cream in my room and watch Sex and the City the movie and cry.

See? I'm crazy.

I just don't understand him at all. And when it comes to him, I don't understand me at all.

What am I going to do to get over this man? I am a pitiful wreck. I write mean, cryptic statuses and heartfelt Facebook notes practically crying my eyes out through the screen. The next minute, I want to be best friends with him. I'm like, give me something, give me ANYTHING!

I called him today and he didn't answer....and he hasn't called me back. Granted, it's only been an hour but I get the distinct feeling that he ignored my phone call. I thought about just calling him over and over and over until he answered. I would never do that though. I'm not that crazy.

Plus what do I want with him for real? He's a mess. He is never going to be the guy for me and I shouldn't even want a guy like that anywhere near my life much less talking to me in my ear or in my face. I haven't talked to him since the "earring episode" on Saturday. And I think it was better when he wasn't calling me, but now I'm humiliated because I broke down and called him and he hasn't called me back.

Doesn't he want to talk to me? Doesn't he care at all? Of course not. I really, really, really need to get myself together. I miss him so much.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

Why doesn't he like me? Why doesn't he give me the time of day? I am devastated. Still. I've gotta get over this. I am never, ever, ever, for as long as I live, calling or texting him again. If I see him (and he hasn't called me back), I'm not talking to him either.

I am SO UPSET.

Random Thoughts at 5am

I guess I just feel like Trump never really gave me a chance. Did he ever try to get to know me? I mean, we talk and stuff but we know each other largely in the context of being together alone. We've never spent real time together during the day or with friends or family or anything.

I just feel like he never gave me a chance. I am still SO upset about this entire situation. What was I to him? Absolutely nothing. Not even good enough for a daily text message. This is incredible to me. He totally used and discarded me whenever he wanted.

Why have I let this go on for a YEAR? I've put so much heart into him and got absolutely nothing in return. He never even gave me the chance to love him. He never gave me the chance to be the person for him that I know I could be.

I feel like he lied to me about the whole Rachel* situation. It's all a lie. It may be true that he isn't "attracted" to her, but I don't buy that. Those two will probably get married and in the meantime, girls like me will be commodities to stroke his ego.

I hate him. I hate myself for letting him treat me like crap for so long.

He has never went out of his way for me. Because I don't matter to him at all. I never did. No one has ever treated me as terrible as he is treating me now. Why in the world doesn't he care? There is no real answer to that question. Never has been. Never will be.

Oh well.

Why

Why am I still on it? I contacted him like a dummy. We talked and he said he was coming down this weekend. Of course, now he is full of excuses and isn't coming down. I'm so over this. I have decided that I am a girl he cares about but doesn't ever see himself with. Do I even see myself with him? Maybe. But ugh, I'm irritated. I hate this. I just want to be over this quick fast and in a hurry!

Still Confused

Trump sent me a message on Facebook today.

Nothing big. Just, "I like your status".

Shanae says I should respond, but keep it short. Brittany says I should ignore it cause he is just trying to get my attention.

I say....I don't know.

Why is he doing this? Why is he showing me attention all of the sudden? Is this part of his sick, egotistical game? He can't stand for a girl not to like him...even when he doesn't like the girl? I just don't get him, but I guess he is not for me to "get" he is for me to "get over".

I really want to see him this weekend. Truth be told, he lights up my life. But honestly, why keep going down this road? I'll never move on this way. I just need to get on with my life. I hate this though because if something happened to him I'd be devastated. I like him so incredibly much it's sad. I need to get over him. He doesn't care about me. He has a girlfriend AND a son any day now (both of which he kept secret for months).

I need to have some self-respect. If I don't get over him then what is my other option? To be head-over-heels for someone who will never be with me? What's the point of that?

I think I should just keep ignoring him. Not out of spite, but for my own sanity. One of these days, I'll be over him completely and we can be friends. Like I said, I WANT him to come down but I SHOULDNT want him to come down this weekend. For what? There is no hope for us. Never has been. Never will be. Move on Alissa.

Seriously.

Posted 2/3/09 @ 12:07pm

I'm Over It

Today I decided that I'm over it. No more talking about it, wondering about it, being sad about it, bitter about it, mad about it. All those emotions don't change the fact of the matter. So what's the point? Life is too short for me to be consumed by situations that I can't change and focused on people that I can't control. I loved. I lost. I learned. And those are the only three things I can really ask for in a situation like this.

Do I still really, really like Trump? Of course. Am I going to dwell on this situation (not just the baby thing but all of it)? No. I can't. I'm over it. I tried. I gave everything I could give. I did everything I knew to do. At this point, I'm beating a dead horse, pouring water into an ocean, crying over spilled milk -- pick your analogy. It's all useless. The only thing left to do is get over it.

No more stewing, over-analyzing, wondering, trying to put it all together in my head. What is the point of that? Why be angry and upset? People are going through much rougher times than I am right now. I have bigger fish to fry. I learned a lot though and I am thankful for that.

Plus, I am thankful that even after everything, "I'm still standin like The Statue of Liberty". And I owe that to the grace of God :)