Already Gone

What was I thinking? There will never be an answer to that question. There is an answer to what I am thinking now and I am thinking that I am d-o-n-e. Finished. This has been going on for way too long and I completely and totally letting it go. I wanted things to turn out different, but they didn't so I must walk away. Forget walking away. I'm already gone.

I read something today that said: Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, always, always ignore what he says. (c) Jeff Mac "Manslations"

Well, if that is the case how much does he hate me? Let me count the ways....
He barely ever calls/texts me, he kissed Melissa, he got Rachel pregnant and kept it a secret for eight months, he took me out on two dates, he ignored me, never acknowledged my feelings, never cared about me one bit, he never opened up emotionally to me once.

Was this ever good? In my head it must've been. I never want to see him again. I don't want to run into him. I don't want him in my life in any way, shape or form. He has destroyed me. I feel like someone took a sledgehammer and bashed me repeatedly in the head, stomach and heart over and over and over again without the slightest remorse. What do I have to show for everything? Hurt, heatbreak.

I'm a broken record.

What was I thinking? When the person who treats me worse than anyone else in the world tells me that I deserve better, that is a MAJOR problem. I do deserve better. I'm better off alone. I am going to come out of the other side of this stronger than I have ever been. This will all be a memory. It's over. It's past time to walk away. In fact....

I'm already gone...

Happy Anniversary

Oh what a year may bring
If I could go back would I change anything?
Of course I would I would change it all
I would have never met you
And would have never let myself fall
Because what did I gain?
What did I lose?
Nothing, and everything
So which would you choose?

How much have I written about this? How many tears have I cried? How many people have I overanalyzed and wondered why why why? And for you it all means nothing and I guess thats what hurts the most. It hurts the most that here I am devastated over someone who probably hasn't thought about me in a week. How can something mean sooooo much to me and yet mean nothing at all to him? It's a year later and what do I have to show for it? Pages and pages and pages and pages of diary, poetry, rants and etc. But no love. Nothing. Nothing to show for all that work I put it. Nothing but heartbreak. And here he is at the end of the DAMN day holding a baby by his longtime girlfriend. Really?

My life has went downhill since I met him. I am a totally different person than the girl he met. The girl he met was strong and Miss-I-Don't-Do-That. Yet I bowed so easily with him. I second guessed myself and everything I believed in because of him. And he doesn't care. He doesn't care at all. What did I think was going on? Did I think it was because I didn't drink or have sex and thats why he didn't want to be with me? Of course not. He just didn't want to be with me period. I let him use me. I got nothing. Barely even a compliment. He remained emotionally shut down for this entire year. And I gave everything. Everything imaginable. And I got nothing but a broken heart.

Happy Anniversary.

Engaged?

A best friend is someone who will "friend" Rachel* on FB for you.

So, Shanae friended Rachel on FB the other day. It turns out that Rachel's relationship status on FB says "engaged". Is she engaged to Trump? Maybe. I did see a Jared Jewelers business card on his dresser once and a Tiffany's business card on his dresser another time. So did he ask her to marry him? Looks to be that way.

I can't even be mad really. I mean, who am I kidding? It's over for us. We are so past "over" that I can't even see "over" from where I'm standing. Am I salty? Of course. But what did I expect? He ceased being an option for me about nine months before I even realized it. Him being engaged just dumps the dirt on the coffin that Rachel being pregnant put the final nail in. {Did you catch that?}

I cannot continue to invest time and money (buying new outfits to wear when I know Ill see him) in a depreciating asset. He is now a liability to me. He adds nothing to my life, only takes away. He sucks me DRY of my energy, willpower, life and happiness. I am on cloud nine when he is around and devastated when he's ignoring me. Who has time for that? Certainly not me.

Nothing I say or do can change these debilitating facts: He has a kid and he's engaged.

I showed Krystal a picture of him on Facebook and she texted me saying: You deserve WAY better! Not some Backstreet boy who hoes himself around with Miss Piggy look alikes and thinks he can still have you on the side. NO...You're not his Hershey Escape!

Hahaha sooooo mean! But, when I think about it, it's true (minus the Backstreet Boys and Miss Piggy reference...okay, the Miss Piggy reference can stay). He can't just treat me like a commodity. Ugh, I sound like a broken record.

I went to his grad chapter's probate yesterday and saw him there. And then he came over tonight to give me my earrings and we talked for about an hour (I didn't ask him about the engagement). Seeing him two days in a row was heaven and my entire living room smells like him now. I'm not going to allow myself to go there though. He means nothing to me, remember Alissa???? You're OVER him. I'm going to start telling myself that one million times a day until it is true.

Man, he IS gorgeous though...LOL.

30-Day HEtox

I, Alissa Griffith, do solemnly sware that I will NOT initiate contact with Trump under ANY circumstances until April 5th 2009. I hereby announce this inaugural day of my 30-day silence...my HEtox.

Okay, this may be a little dramatic, but seriously, I have got to get over this man and the only way to do that is to pretend he doesn't exist.

I reactivated Facebook today. However, I am not allowing myself any sad, cryptic statuses clearly meant for him to see. No sad, cryptic Facebook notes or poetry. He doesn't exist to me. NO CONTACT FOR THIRTY WHOLE DAYS.

Just like I wanted to spend some of 21 without braces (and I did that), I need to spend some of 22 without Trump in my life. I am stronger than this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

He doesn't exist to me. Period.

30 days...let's go :)

PS. Update before I go: I sent him a text yesterday about a newsworthy event, we chatted back and forth. Then later I sent him a text letting him know when the Alpha show was and then I asked him about Rachel*. He didn't respond. So the next morning, I sent him *ANOTHER* text about the Alpha show and this time he responded and I responded back and that was it. Then I sent him an email cause I had found out the price of his condo. He sent me an email back like FOUR HOURS later saying that I was either a genius obsessive or both, THEN he asked me if I was taking a hiatus from Facebook. Then he sent me a second email telling him that I inspired a new idea for client recruitment for his business. I responded back telling him I was happy I helped (sort of) and I slyly --well, I hope it was sly -- threw in the fact that I'd be home this weekend (we've already established that I'm weak lol) and he didn't respond to that email. That was three pm. It's midnight and I'm over it.

March 1st is a New Day :)

I need to relax. In my life, there will be plenty of time to be married, have a fabulous job, have money and be serious. Right now, I just need to enjoy my life. I want to stop being so intense.

I am working out, eating right, doing school, writing for The Fresh Xpress, being a Christian. I just wanna relax and do the whole "22" thing.

Soon enough, 22 will be long gone then college will be a memory. I just want to enjoy my life as is and I know everything will fall into place.

I'm single. I've been single for a while now and I just need to take this time and figure out what I want to do as a single girl.

I like me. I like how I am. I watch Sex and the City, buy countless magazines, workout like crazy, eat steamed vegetables that I buy frozen from Walmart and pop in the microwave, I live with four guys, I watch Sunday morning news shows, I stop doing things cold turkey that I think are ruining my life, I read a chapter in Proverbs every night, I tell my mother everything...

I'm just me. I enjoy being 22. I am not stressed about finding a boyfriend or getting the perfect reporter job (I don't even want to be a reporter sometimes). I just live my life. I shop, I talk on the phone, I text like a maniac, I talk aloud to God. I do me. And I am happy with me.

I am relaxing. I am content with today. I have a lot going for me today that has nothing to do with yesterday or tomorrow. No more obsessing. I am just living.