If you're going to be done....

I haven't written in here for a month. It would be nice to say that my life is totally better and I am completely over Trump and I'm living my fabulous new life without him. Or even that he has been calling me again since I've been home this summer and things are going great between us.

In reality.

My dad died on June 24th which is one of the most awful things that could happen to me (my mom dying is the most awful). A part of me died that day too.

Trump hasn't been there for me at all. He picked me up from the airport the day it happened (I appreciate that) but other than that and the time we met at Applebees to discuss my prospects for my house, we've barely spoken.

I guess he's totally over me. Which is fine. I need to be over him. I will be. A part of me feels like I am. I am just so hurt. I feel like I walk around with a permanently broken heart. For what? I really want to be done with him. I have been obsessing over him for a long time now. What went wrong? Why doesn't he like me? How come he never contacts me? Why is he STILL calling Melissa (Chassidy told me that the other day). How has he completely just cut me out of his life?

Though I felt like I was screaming "I quit!" after already being fired, I deleted him from my phone and from Facebook for the final time yesterday. I say that because he doesn't talk to me/FB me anyway, so what was I doing by deleting him really? Anyway, I deleted him because I happened to come across some FB pictures of him, his best friend and two girls vacationing in NYC. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He was supposed to come visit me in NYC last summer but he never came. I don't know who the girl was but they looked like they were "together". Im SO HURT. All I can think about is, why wasn't it me? What did I do? How come I didn't deserve him in my life? And why oh WHY do I care SO MUCH?

Ralf said something to me the other day, he wasn't talking about me but it definitely fit. He said "If you're going to be done, then just f-ing be done." It's so true. Ive been saying that I am "done" with Trump for MONTHS now. It's time for me to stop saying it and to really and truly be done. But I don't even know where to begin.

I can sit here going over and over in my head where I went wrong. I can do the shoulda, woulda couldas for the next ten years, but what will it solve? I can't go back. That's the cruel thing about life. I can never go back. What is done is done.

And there is a quote I like that says, "Wisdom so often never comes so one ought not reject it merely because it comes too late." I think it's by Felix Frankfurter or something. Idk. Well, I do know that wisdom says I need to walk away for good. Save myself from this self-imposed torment. So what he doesn't like me? He is ONE person in the ENTIRE world. I feel like I have convinced myself I can't do better (because I haven't done better), but that is simply not true.

I can and I will do better. And honestly, being ALONE is better than pining after a jerk that would have sex with my "friend". I am disgusted and hurt just thinking about it.

I need to turn my life around. Like seriously because the road Ive been traveling for the last year is leading to nowhere very quickly. Actually it's leading me somewhere I don't want to be. How in the HECK did I get here?

It doesn't matter cause I'm done. For real this time.