If you're going to be done....

I haven't written in here for a month. It would be nice to say that my life is totally better and I am completely over Trump and I'm living my fabulous new life without him. Or even that he has been calling me again since I've been home this summer and things are going great between us.

In reality.

My dad died on June 24th which is one of the most awful things that could happen to me (my mom dying is the most awful). A part of me died that day too.

Trump hasn't been there for me at all. He picked me up from the airport the day it happened (I appreciate that) but other than that and the time we met at Applebees to discuss my prospects for my house, we've barely spoken.

I guess he's totally over me. Which is fine. I need to be over him. I will be. A part of me feels like I am. I am just so hurt. I feel like I walk around with a permanently broken heart. For what? I really want to be done with him. I have been obsessing over him for a long time now. What went wrong? Why doesn't he like me? How come he never contacts me? Why is he STILL calling Melissa (Chassidy told me that the other day). How has he completely just cut me out of his life?

Though I felt like I was screaming "I quit!" after already being fired, I deleted him from my phone and from Facebook for the final time yesterday. I say that because he doesn't talk to me/FB me anyway, so what was I doing by deleting him really? Anyway, I deleted him because I happened to come across some FB pictures of him, his best friend and two girls vacationing in NYC. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He was supposed to come visit me in NYC last summer but he never came. I don't know who the girl was but they looked like they were "together". Im SO HURT. All I can think about is, why wasn't it me? What did I do? How come I didn't deserve him in my life? And why oh WHY do I care SO MUCH?

Ralf said something to me the other day, he wasn't talking about me but it definitely fit. He said "If you're going to be done, then just f-ing be done." It's so true. Ive been saying that I am "done" with Trump for MONTHS now. It's time for me to stop saying it and to really and truly be done. But I don't even know where to begin.

I can sit here going over and over in my head where I went wrong. I can do the shoulda, woulda couldas for the next ten years, but what will it solve? I can't go back. That's the cruel thing about life. I can never go back. What is done is done.

And there is a quote I like that says, "Wisdom so often never comes so one ought not reject it merely because it comes too late." I think it's by Felix Frankfurter or something. Idk. Well, I do know that wisdom says I need to walk away for good. Save myself from this self-imposed torment. So what he doesn't like me? He is ONE person in the ENTIRE world. I feel like I have convinced myself I can't do better (because I haven't done better), but that is simply not true.

I can and I will do better. And honestly, being ALONE is better than pining after a jerk that would have sex with my "friend". I am disgusted and hurt just thinking about it.

I need to turn my life around. Like seriously because the road Ive been traveling for the last year is leading to nowhere very quickly. Actually it's leading me somewhere I don't want to be. How in the HECK did I get here?

It doesn't matter cause I'm done. For real this time.

Simple Text Message

I mean, I don't think it has ever been so clear to me. We're talking about someone whom I can't even hope to send me a simple text message unsolicited (and waits seven entire hours before responding to my Happy Father's Day text!!!). I mean, OMG. I know I say it all the time, but I'm done. I'm D-O-N-E. Is he CRAZY?! I would never tolerate this behavior from ANYONE. Why do I continue to make an exception for him??? He obviously doesn't like me AT. ALL. I think he did at one point, but he's over me. Im salty about that, but it's whatever. I mean, when Epiphany can call/text/FB chat me several times a day and Trump can't find a moment in his schedule to text me once a week, what in the world have I been doing??? Even Executive tweets/calls/texts me. And I've given these men NOTHING.

I feel like I've written the book on How to Lose When You Give In. I know I can say never again. I guess that was the purpose of all of this. I have written so many eulogies on this situation, but now is the time to truly let it go. If I consider EVERYTHING I have been through, it is a WONDER I have stayed this long. Ive never truly lost before, but I did this time. He doesn't like me. He did. He's over it and he will continue to use me for as long as I allow him to. Shall I delete him one last time? Unceremoniously? Shall I truly let go of this ridiculous fantasy?? Shall I truly do for once what is ultimately best for me?? I deserve better and it shouldn't take the person who treated me worse than anyone to tell me that. That's ridiculous. I'll get over him. Just like I've gotten over everyone else. This charade has lasted too long. It's time to let him go. For real this time.

After all, he can't find time in his life to send me a simple unsolicited text message saying "hi". Why? Cause he doesn't care. So why should I?

Deleted.

Still On It

It's been forever and I am STILL on it. I don't understand what is wrong with me. At this point, I am being nothing less than totally and completely ridiculous. He doesn't call me, text me, message me on Facebook....NOTHING. I asked Ralf if he thought that Trump misses me. He said, "no". OUCH!

I am soooooooooo salty. How could he not care enough to call/text me AT ALL??? Not once? And he has written on Chassidy's wall a few times. Excuse me, does he even KNOW Chassidy? Would he try to get on with one of my friends? Of course he would. Ugh I would die. I know it's been a month since I've seen/spoken to him, but I am still not over him. What happened to the 60-day thing? Am I going to be over it in 2 weeks? HA not likely.

So, I'm pushing it to five months. September 9th, I can contact him if I still feel so inclined. Until then, I can be cordial in the unlikely event I run into him, but I cannot initiate contact with him. I just need to get over him. Please GOD. I need to let him go!!! I am so salty still, but why?

He used me. He liked me a little bit, but not enough. He has a girlfriend (maybe even a fiancee). He has a son. He has an entire life that doesn't include me or any thoughts of me at all. That is so devastating to think about!!! What was I thinking? What was I doing? Who was I kidding? I just wish I could forget everything!

But I'll get over it. I'll get over him. I'll move on -- just like I've moved on from everyone else. I just want it to be today. Please.

One Day

They say I'm too picky. This is not true because with all of my heart, I picked you. I found what I wanted. I found it all in you, but for whatever reason, you weren't feeling me too. But at least I know i'm capable of finding love, in spite of what they say and I will find the one for me...

One day.

Three Weeks Down....

It's been three weeks since I talked to him last and that was text (but for my purposes that still counts). Does he miss me? I wonder. I can't do that though. That's pointless. My twenty-three year old self is over him. Lol. If only that were true. It will be though.

It has to be.

I put so much thought, time and energy into something that was headed nowhere. It makes me sick to even think of it.

Now I have to stop talking about him. I talk about him all the time. I probably mention his name fifteen times a day. I'm not talking tohim but talking about him is counterproductive. He just fits so well into every story I tell. Get a life Alissa. I hate that I wonder if he evvvvver thinks about me.

I never responded to his FB message. Sadly enough it is still sitting in my inbox. I don't have the heart to delete it. Ugh. I need to. I deleted him as a friend though. Is it so wrong to keep his "we're not friends" message in my FB inbox? Yes. It is very wrong. Lol.

I've got to stop talking about this boy. I need a rubberband I can wear around my wrist and snap really hard every time I mention his name.

I'm distracted so this post probably makes no sense. I've just been thinking about him HARD all weekend -- what could've, would've, might've, should've been. I'm wondering where he is, what he is doing and does he care at all?

Sixty day hetox. I'm doing great so far (I haven't contacted him at all!! Wow!). I deserve some sort of medal at this stage...a plaque at least.

Two WHOLE Weeks!!!

It's been two weeks since I talked to him. I'm pretty sure this is the longest we have ever went without talking since we met last year.

Do I miss him?

To say "yes" would be an understatement. Sometimes, I miss him so much it physically hurts. But I have to be strong. I unfriended him on Facebook some time last week (Monday I think) and he sent me a msg Thursday asking "we're not friends anymore". I didn't respond. I wanted to, but I couldn't. At some point, I have to walk away. I can't continue to hold onto someone who isn't holding onto me. I sound like a broken record. But I seriously have to grow up.

I wonder if he misses me. If so, I wouldn't know it. He never calls or texts me. I JUST WANT HIM TO CARE. I want to know that I meant something to him. I feel like I didn't mean anything. Steve Harvey says in his book, that some women are just "sports fish" to men. The men could never see themselves with these women, but they just use them for a sexual fix and that's it. I was Trump's sports fish.

The truth hurts.

Today, I was randomly going through Tanisha's Facebook album and there was a picture of him and her at Easton together. I sware my heart stopped for a moment. They could have just randomly bumped into each other and she took a picture. Not likely. They were probably on a date. Ugh. I'm sick just thinking about it. How many times did we go out? Not often. She's gorgeous though. Way prettier than I am. He probably likes her more than he could ever like me.

This sucks.

But it will pass. I am on the right road now. I was going to text him when I watched Down With Love, but I decided against it. 1,000 points for Alissa!!! LOL.

I turn 23 tomorrow. I gave him all of 22. He gets none of 23. I do wish he would call me on my bday to say happy birthday. Not likely since I'm sure he doesn't know my birthday. *Sigh* Oh well.

Moving right along....

Already Gone

What was I thinking? There will never be an answer to that question. There is an answer to what I am thinking now and I am thinking that I am d-o-n-e. Finished. This has been going on for way too long and I completely and totally letting it go. I wanted things to turn out different, but they didn't so I must walk away. Forget walking away. I'm already gone.

I read something today that said: Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, always, always ignore what he says. (c) Jeff Mac "Manslations"

Well, if that is the case how much does he hate me? Let me count the ways....
He barely ever calls/texts me, he kissed Melissa, he got Rachel pregnant and kept it a secret for eight months, he took me out on two dates, he ignored me, never acknowledged my feelings, never cared about me one bit, he never opened up emotionally to me once.

Was this ever good? In my head it must've been. I never want to see him again. I don't want to run into him. I don't want him in my life in any way, shape or form. He has destroyed me. I feel like someone took a sledgehammer and bashed me repeatedly in the head, stomach and heart over and over and over again without the slightest remorse. What do I have to show for everything? Hurt, heatbreak.

I'm a broken record.

What was I thinking? When the person who treats me worse than anyone else in the world tells me that I deserve better, that is a MAJOR problem. I do deserve better. I'm better off alone. I am going to come out of the other side of this stronger than I have ever been. This will all be a memory. It's over. It's past time to walk away. In fact....

I'm already gone...

Happy Anniversary

Oh what a year may bring
If I could go back would I change anything?
Of course I would I would change it all
I would have never met you
And would have never let myself fall
Because what did I gain?
What did I lose?
Nothing, and everything
So which would you choose?

How much have I written about this? How many tears have I cried? How many people have I overanalyzed and wondered why why why? And for you it all means nothing and I guess thats what hurts the most. It hurts the most that here I am devastated over someone who probably hasn't thought about me in a week. How can something mean sooooo much to me and yet mean nothing at all to him? It's a year later and what do I have to show for it? Pages and pages and pages and pages of diary, poetry, rants and etc. But no love. Nothing. Nothing to show for all that work I put it. Nothing but heartbreak. And here he is at the end of the DAMN day holding a baby by his longtime girlfriend. Really?

My life has went downhill since I met him. I am a totally different person than the girl he met. The girl he met was strong and Miss-I-Don't-Do-That. Yet I bowed so easily with him. I second guessed myself and everything I believed in because of him. And he doesn't care. He doesn't care at all. What did I think was going on? Did I think it was because I didn't drink or have sex and thats why he didn't want to be with me? Of course not. He just didn't want to be with me period. I let him use me. I got nothing. Barely even a compliment. He remained emotionally shut down for this entire year. And I gave everything. Everything imaginable. And I got nothing but a broken heart.

Happy Anniversary.

Engaged?

A best friend is someone who will "friend" Rachel* on FB for you.

So, Shanae friended Rachel on FB the other day. It turns out that Rachel's relationship status on FB says "engaged". Is she engaged to Trump? Maybe. I did see a Jared Jewelers business card on his dresser once and a Tiffany's business card on his dresser another time. So did he ask her to marry him? Looks to be that way.

I can't even be mad really. I mean, who am I kidding? It's over for us. We are so past "over" that I can't even see "over" from where I'm standing. Am I salty? Of course. But what did I expect? He ceased being an option for me about nine months before I even realized it. Him being engaged just dumps the dirt on the coffin that Rachel being pregnant put the final nail in. {Did you catch that?}

I cannot continue to invest time and money (buying new outfits to wear when I know Ill see him) in a depreciating asset. He is now a liability to me. He adds nothing to my life, only takes away. He sucks me DRY of my energy, willpower, life and happiness. I am on cloud nine when he is around and devastated when he's ignoring me. Who has time for that? Certainly not me.

Nothing I say or do can change these debilitating facts: He has a kid and he's engaged.

I showed Krystal a picture of him on Facebook and she texted me saying: You deserve WAY better! Not some Backstreet boy who hoes himself around with Miss Piggy look alikes and thinks he can still have you on the side. NO...You're not his Hershey Escape!

Hahaha sooooo mean! But, when I think about it, it's true (minus the Backstreet Boys and Miss Piggy reference...okay, the Miss Piggy reference can stay). He can't just treat me like a commodity. Ugh, I sound like a broken record.

I went to his grad chapter's probate yesterday and saw him there. And then he came over tonight to give me my earrings and we talked for about an hour (I didn't ask him about the engagement). Seeing him two days in a row was heaven and my entire living room smells like him now. I'm not going to allow myself to go there though. He means nothing to me, remember Alissa???? You're OVER him. I'm going to start telling myself that one million times a day until it is true.

Man, he IS gorgeous though...LOL.

30-Day HEtox

I, Alissa Griffith, do solemnly sware that I will NOT initiate contact with Trump under ANY circumstances until April 5th 2009. I hereby announce this inaugural day of my 30-day silence...my HEtox.

Okay, this may be a little dramatic, but seriously, I have got to get over this man and the only way to do that is to pretend he doesn't exist.

I reactivated Facebook today. However, I am not allowing myself any sad, cryptic statuses clearly meant for him to see. No sad, cryptic Facebook notes or poetry. He doesn't exist to me. NO CONTACT FOR THIRTY WHOLE DAYS.

Just like I wanted to spend some of 21 without braces (and I did that), I need to spend some of 22 without Trump in my life. I am stronger than this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

He doesn't exist to me. Period.

30 days...let's go :)

PS. Update before I go: I sent him a text yesterday about a newsworthy event, we chatted back and forth. Then later I sent him a text letting him know when the Alpha show was and then I asked him about Rachel*. He didn't respond. So the next morning, I sent him *ANOTHER* text about the Alpha show and this time he responded and I responded back and that was it. Then I sent him an email cause I had found out the price of his condo. He sent me an email back like FOUR HOURS later saying that I was either a genius obsessive or both, THEN he asked me if I was taking a hiatus from Facebook. Then he sent me a second email telling him that I inspired a new idea for client recruitment for his business. I responded back telling him I was happy I helped (sort of) and I slyly --well, I hope it was sly -- threw in the fact that I'd be home this weekend (we've already established that I'm weak lol) and he didn't respond to that email. That was three pm. It's midnight and I'm over it.

March 1st is a New Day :)

I need to relax. In my life, there will be plenty of time to be married, have a fabulous job, have money and be serious. Right now, I just need to enjoy my life. I want to stop being so intense.

I am working out, eating right, doing school, writing for The Fresh Xpress, being a Christian. I just wanna relax and do the whole "22" thing.

Soon enough, 22 will be long gone then college will be a memory. I just want to enjoy my life as is and I know everything will fall into place.

I'm single. I've been single for a while now and I just need to take this time and figure out what I want to do as a single girl.

I like me. I like how I am. I watch Sex and the City, buy countless magazines, workout like crazy, eat steamed vegetables that I buy frozen from Walmart and pop in the microwave, I live with four guys, I watch Sunday morning news shows, I stop doing things cold turkey that I think are ruining my life, I read a chapter in Proverbs every night, I tell my mother everything...

I'm just me. I enjoy being 22. I am not stressed about finding a boyfriend or getting the perfect reporter job (I don't even want to be a reporter sometimes). I just live my life. I shop, I talk on the phone, I text like a maniac, I talk aloud to God. I do me. And I am happy with me.

I am relaxing. I am content with today. I have a lot going for me today that has nothing to do with yesterday or tomorrow. No more obsessing. I am just living.

Seven Whole Days

Trump texted me tonight.

Shocked doesn't begin to describe. I texted him last Friday (while he was at the hospital) and we texted back and forth a little then and then I sent him a message Sunday he responded then he didn't respond to the super long one I sent later that night. Trump hasn't initiated contact with me since he told me that Rachel was pregnant. (WOW!!!! I just realized that!!!!). Anyway, tonight he just said that he saw some of my bruhs in Columbus and he thought of me.

We chatted through text back and forth for a little bit He was with the Alphas and this was their crossing weekend or whatever. He said he is coming down here in the Spring. (I am PRAYING that I am 100% over him by then). I asked him about his baby and he said that he loves being a dad. I said, "Awwwww! It's just one more thing for you to be good at". And he said "thank you." I can't help but to be sweet to him. I still have feelings for him, but I'm getting over them. The realistic part of me is saying to let it go. I'm not even replacing him with anyone else. I'm just letting go. I didn't flood him with text messages (yay for me!!!!) and he said "thank you" last. He did start dropping out of the conversation at the end, but maybe he got busy. I don't know. Whatever.

I was happy he texted me today though (happier than I should be). Does this mean he wants to be friends? We can be friends. I need to stop complimenting him so much. I can't help it. We are obviously not meant to be though. I'm happy he contacted me though. Although, he STILL hasn't responded to my FB message (apparently this is my response). I'm not going to call or text him still though and I am still trying my hardest to get over him. God is really helping me with that.

The saga is over. We've come to the end of the road. The end of the story. Maybe we'll be friends. Maybe we won't. I've gotta move on.

This has been the most dysfunctional relationship in my entire existence. So much energy expended on a guy who is just not that into me. Ugh. Never again.

*** I don't take him texting me as anymore than God's way of giving me a little bit of relief from feeling devastated. A text message is the simplest thing, but it's kinda nice and I've been doing good this week not contacting him (I did stalk his FB page using Shanice's account yesterday -- he hasn't updated his account in weeks though so that was a waste!!! LOL ***

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I wish I could just know what happened.

Someway, somehow I really blew it with Trump. When I was in Atlanta (and even a little in NYC), we used to talk all the time. Now, it seems that I'm back in Ohio and we never talk.

Maybe he figured out that I am crazy about him and I cant control my sporadic emotions (one day I hate him, the next day I love him -- but really I just love him period).

I figured out that I might have an addiction to him and right now I am just going through withdrawals as I break myself off him cold turkey. Doesn't he like me? I am so devatstaed that he never calls me or texts me. I wrote him another one of my LONG Facebook messages about us being friends and seeing how he felt about it. Then I deactivated Facebook. So, I don't know if he was going to respond or if he will ever respond. I shouldn't care cause I am supposed to be breaking myself of him, but I do care. I care SO MUCH.

I didn't ask him about the baby. I should have. That was selfish. I care about his life though, more than he can even imagine. I don't know why I didn't ask about his baby and how he the new father thing is doing.

I guess I should give him his space. Maybe he is trying to work things out with Rachel. Maybe his heart has changed since the baby came along. Tai's heart did. Trump is a grown man too, he's not a child so maybe he is re-thinking his decisions.

I need to rid myself of him. Every time my phone beeps (text message or email) and every time it rings, I find myself holding my breath wishing...hoping it is him. It never is.

I have to let this go. I just wish I knew where I went wrong. Maybe he was never attracted to me. Maybe he just used me cause I'm easy to him. Maybe he could never see himself with a girl like me. Maybe I talk too fast and I'm not cute enough for his taste. Maybe I don't have a good enough body or my voice is too deep. Maybe he thinks I'm a know-it-all.

He thinks something because if he didn't, he would surely call me and want to talk to me and want to be with me. Every other guy does. What is his problem? We should have never had sex. I'm never hacing sex with anyone else EVER again until my wedding night.

I'm not even getting heavily involved with guys. I don't understand why God won't just deliver me of my addiction to Trump or at least make him like me a little bit. What's the problem? What is my problem? Why can't I just chalk it up and move on?

It's A Boy

Trump had his baby yesterday.

Less than a MONTH after he told me Rachel was pregnant, their 8-pounds, 9oz 21-inch baby was born. I texted him (I know, I'm weak!!!) last night because I was going to Columbus. He texted me back and we chatted for a few minutes before I asked him if he was coming to Columbus. He said, "No I'm not goin out tonight, cus im at the hospital. I'm a dad! lol."

I think someone slammed me in the head with a ton of bricks. It's hard to tell though because nothing could have possibly hit me harder than that text message. I sat there in shock for a moment then said congratulations and all that. I was really happy for him. Then I started crying. I mean, sobbing, bawling...the whole thing.

I knew it was coming. I just didn't expect it to be so soon and I didn't expect it to hit me so hard. It was as if it was finally over between us. Finally.

I called my mom and, like always, she made me feel better. She told me, "You shouldn't feel bad for liking him and wanting to be with him. He made the bad choice, not you. You two could've been great together and he made his own bad decisions. It's not your fault." And then Shanae said, "You may be sad right now, but you made out the best in this situation. Sure, you're feelings are hurt but you'll get over it and at the end of the day, he is stuck with a baby by a girl he doesn't love and she is stuck with a baby by a guy who doesn't love her." And that was true too. I love my friends.

I do feel like Trump liked me at one point. I mean, part of me feels like I don't even know him at all. The other part of me feels like he really did care about me at some point and we could've been great together. But now he has her and his son and I don't fit anywhere in that picture so I have to go my own way.

It's just so unfortunate. Part of me wants to be there for him every day but I am not going to pressure him to be in a friendship or relationship with me that he doesn't want to be in. That's not my style.

I am devastated. Beyond brokenhearted. Disappointed. Every sad feeling imaginable. But this is the final nail in the coffin. I *must* move on from here. I have no choice. I'll find someone else someday. It's just hard because I feel like I never meet guys I like or guys who like me. I will though. One day.

Making Me Crazy

He's making me crazy.

Like cuckoo. Psycho, schizophrenic crazy. One minute I want him to fall off the face of the earth, the next minute I'm wistfully wishing he would call me, then I'm calling him, he's not answering (or calling/texting me back) and then I am super sad and just want to eat ice cream in my room and watch Sex and the City the movie and cry.

See? I'm crazy.

I just don't understand him at all. And when it comes to him, I don't understand me at all.

What am I going to do to get over this man? I am a pitiful wreck. I write mean, cryptic statuses and heartfelt Facebook notes practically crying my eyes out through the screen. The next minute, I want to be best friends with him. I'm like, give me something, give me ANYTHING!

I called him today and he didn't answer....and he hasn't called me back. Granted, it's only been an hour but I get the distinct feeling that he ignored my phone call. I thought about just calling him over and over and over until he answered. I would never do that though. I'm not that crazy.

Plus what do I want with him for real? He's a mess. He is never going to be the guy for me and I shouldn't even want a guy like that anywhere near my life much less talking to me in my ear or in my face. I haven't talked to him since the "earring episode" on Saturday. And I think it was better when he wasn't calling me, but now I'm humiliated because I broke down and called him and he hasn't called me back.

Doesn't he want to talk to me? Doesn't he care at all? Of course not. I really, really, really need to get myself together. I miss him so much.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

Why doesn't he like me? Why doesn't he give me the time of day? I am devastated. Still. I've gotta get over this. I am never, ever, ever, for as long as I live, calling or texting him again. If I see him (and he hasn't called me back), I'm not talking to him either.

I am SO UPSET.

Random Thoughts at 5am

I guess I just feel like Trump never really gave me a chance. Did he ever try to get to know me? I mean, we talk and stuff but we know each other largely in the context of being together alone. We've never spent real time together during the day or with friends or family or anything.

I just feel like he never gave me a chance. I am still SO upset about this entire situation. What was I to him? Absolutely nothing. Not even good enough for a daily text message. This is incredible to me. He totally used and discarded me whenever he wanted.

Why have I let this go on for a YEAR? I've put so much heart into him and got absolutely nothing in return. He never even gave me the chance to love him. He never gave me the chance to be the person for him that I know I could be.

I feel like he lied to me about the whole Rachel* situation. It's all a lie. It may be true that he isn't "attracted" to her, but I don't buy that. Those two will probably get married and in the meantime, girls like me will be commodities to stroke his ego.

I hate him. I hate myself for letting him treat me like crap for so long.

He has never went out of his way for me. Because I don't matter to him at all. I never did. No one has ever treated me as terrible as he is treating me now. Why in the world doesn't he care? There is no real answer to that question. Never has been. Never will be.

Oh well.

Why

Why am I still on it? I contacted him like a dummy. We talked and he said he was coming down this weekend. Of course, now he is full of excuses and isn't coming down. I'm so over this. I have decided that I am a girl he cares about but doesn't ever see himself with. Do I even see myself with him? Maybe. But ugh, I'm irritated. I hate this. I just want to be over this quick fast and in a hurry!

Still Confused

Trump sent me a message on Facebook today.

Nothing big. Just, "I like your status".

Shanae says I should respond, but keep it short. Brittany says I should ignore it cause he is just trying to get my attention.

I say....I don't know.

Why is he doing this? Why is he showing me attention all of the sudden? Is this part of his sick, egotistical game? He can't stand for a girl not to like him...even when he doesn't like the girl? I just don't get him, but I guess he is not for me to "get" he is for me to "get over".

I really want to see him this weekend. Truth be told, he lights up my life. But honestly, why keep going down this road? I'll never move on this way. I just need to get on with my life. I hate this though because if something happened to him I'd be devastated. I like him so incredibly much it's sad. I need to get over him. He doesn't care about me. He has a girlfriend AND a son any day now (both of which he kept secret for months).

I need to have some self-respect. If I don't get over him then what is my other option? To be head-over-heels for someone who will never be with me? What's the point of that?

I think I should just keep ignoring him. Not out of spite, but for my own sanity. One of these days, I'll be over him completely and we can be friends. Like I said, I WANT him to come down but I SHOULDNT want him to come down this weekend. For what? There is no hope for us. Never has been. Never will be. Move on Alissa.

Seriously.

Posted 2/3/09 @ 12:07pm

I'm Over It

Today I decided that I'm over it. No more talking about it, wondering about it, being sad about it, bitter about it, mad about it. All those emotions don't change the fact of the matter. So what's the point? Life is too short for me to be consumed by situations that I can't change and focused on people that I can't control. I loved. I lost. I learned. And those are the only three things I can really ask for in a situation like this.

Do I still really, really like Trump? Of course. Am I going to dwell on this situation (not just the baby thing but all of it)? No. I can't. I'm over it. I tried. I gave everything I could give. I did everything I knew to do. At this point, I'm beating a dead horse, pouring water into an ocean, crying over spilled milk -- pick your analogy. It's all useless. The only thing left to do is get over it.

No more stewing, over-analyzing, wondering, trying to put it all together in my head. What is the point of that? Why be angry and upset? People are going through much rougher times than I am right now. I have bigger fish to fry. I learned a lot though and I am thankful for that.

Plus, I am thankful that even after everything, "I'm still standin like The Statue of Liberty". And I owe that to the grace of God :)

It's OVER

Trump called me last night.

I was sleep, but I'm not calling him back at all...or ever.

The other night he told me that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. Shock doesn't even begin to describe. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of the story.

Thursday night, I was on Facebook and she had commented on one of his notes. I commented twice. He didn't respond to either of my comments. He responded to her (and everyone else), but not me. Then she commented on his status, "You pay more attention to this page than you do my texts). Then she tagged him in a note that was like 40 questions.

In that note she must have mentioned him like three times. I copied and pasted the ones that were about him below.

THEN she tagged his mom. So, I went to his mom's Facebook page and there was a note on there about her 1st grandchild and how Trump and Rachel* had just come over to show her the ultrasound and how she is so excited. The blog was dated November 23rd.
I almost passed out. I knew he's known for a while (he tried to pretend he hasn't known for that long, but COME ON. I'm sure she told him right away), but it was weird to put a date to it.

Well I went back to his page and deleted all of my comments on his wall. The next day, he deleted everyone else's comments from that note (which he never does) and then he deleted the link to Rachel's survey. Too late. I already read it. But, Im sure he deleted it so no one else would read it.

Anyway, that night I asked myself for the umpteenth time, "What Am I Doing?" Here he is in a serious relationship with this girl and she is 8months pregnant and he never said anything to me. He dragged me along for all these months making me feel like he and I could really have something in the future. All the while he KNEW that Rachel was about to have his first kid.

He says he is not in love with her, but I don't believe him. Besides, that doesn't matter anyway. The fact of the matter is that I never had a chance with him and I feel like he thoroughly used me. He was so incredibly selfish. Never mentioning to me that he had a kid on the way. He knows how I feel about that. He knows that I do not want to talk to anyone with kids. But all he could think about is himself.

I am so hurt. All these months of waiting for him to come around and wondering why he acts the way he does. All these months spent hoping and overanalyzing. Only to be hit by a locomotive. Eight months! I never even had a chance. I think knowing that is what kills me the most.

I don't know what was real or what was a lie. Maybe all of it was one huge lie. Maybe I dreamed up everything in my head. He says that he cares about me and our friendship, but I feel like he is just saying that. I don't think he cares about me at all. Why should he? He doesn't care about Rachel. He had the nerve to say, "No girls are going to want to talk to me now." I told you he was selfish. According to Rachel's blog, he is her BOYFRIEND anyway! Trump says, "She doesn't want to marry me now either." Of course not! She has you for life now! Congratulations.

I am still sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo upset. I feel like I got kicked in the face. i mean, I'm glad he told me and didn't just let me "find out", but why did he have to wait so long? We have had hours upon hours of conversations. We went to dinner. We went bowling. We spent time together at his house. We have talked on the phone. We have texted. He had sooooo many opportunities to tell me! And he never even mentioned it. If he was going to tell me over the phone anyway, he could have called me and told me when I was in Atlanta. I think he has known since I was in NYC. Because that weekend I went to go visit Atlanta, Marlon, Trump Melissa and I were all outside of a club. We were clowning and I said something about never wanting to get fat so I don't know what will happen when I get pregnant and Marlon looks at Trump and bursts out laughing. I never knew what they were laughing about. Now I think I know. If he has known since THEN, well thats just something i don't even want to think about.

He has at THE MINIMUM known since November. He tells me in January?! The baby is practically here! What has he been thinking this whole time? Did he ever like me at all? Did he ever see himself with me? Did I dream everything? I guess it doesn't matter now. He'll probably marry Rachel. Ugh. I am just trying to think of every conversation we have ever had. I can't believe he didn't bring it up once. I remember him saying he wanted to get married at 30, divorce at 40 then start all over again. Whattheheck?! I'm so annoyed.

Anyway, so after I read all that Facebook stuff, I updated my status to say: "Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised...PS I'm over it" Trump texts me like 2 minutes later, "Whuddup" I didnt respond. Then he texts me the next day, "Sorry for txting you so late, I thought you might still be up from Facebook." I didn't respond. Then he texts me last night, "U not talking to me?" I didn't respond. Then he CALLS me last night around 2:30. I am not calling back.

I don't know what he wants from me. He lied to me, treated me nonchalantly for so long, why does he care now? Because his ego is so huge that he just needs every girl to like him? I'm not that girl. He had his chance with me and he blew it. He hasn't been exactly treating me like a queen up until now anyway. So I'm done. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He made his bed (literally) and now he can go lay in it.

Here lies my feelings, my hopes, my desires for him to be with me...here lies it ALL...3/15/08 - 1/27/09. What a waste of my time.

Oh and here are the highlights from Rachel's blog:
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Tuesday. Hey I am 8 months pregnant I can cry whenever I want. Okay Mark!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
We are about to have our first baby boy!

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Coffee, gasoline, mark's cologne

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mark

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Troy- Brad Pitt was half naked and looking good and I wanted to piss Mark off

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I like hugs, only kisses from my boyfriend- can we make out?!!!!

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Mark laughing

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
We went to high school together, met senior year, he loved me right away but would not date me because I was a weird cross country runner- LOL, jk. But yeah, high school.

********************************
I just want to point out that she called him her boyfriend AND I want to point out that I texted him one night when I was in Atlanta and asked him what he was doing and he told me he was watching Troy. Apparently, HE WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Unfreakinbelievable that dude lol.

She's Pregnant

Trump told me today (January 26th) that his ex-girlfriend is 7months pregnant with his son.

I felt like someone backed into me with a truck.

I don't know what I should think. I appreciate his honesty with me but I am flooded with a mixture of emotions. The most of all feeling like I just wasted the past year of my life.

Step 1: Delete His Number Out of My Phone

I am getting over him by January 30th if it kills me. I just have to change my perspective. I have to reconfigure my mind toward him. I need to change the way I think about him. So, just now, I deleted his number out of my phone. I have never deleted a contact (crush or exboyfriend). But, I've got to move on. I need to erase him from my life. He doesn't care about me. The sooner I get that the better.
So I took the first step in getting over him. I deleted him.

Annoyed on 1/8/08

When will I ever get tired of being sad? When will I become completely spent? I am unable to open my heart to anyone. I am unable to care. Why do I have such strong feelings still toward Trump? Why do I care so much? Why do I put so much in to someone and get nothing in return? Why oh why oh why? I am soooooo sick and tired of this. I am tired of the hurt, the disappointment, the rollercoaster, the pain, the wanting, the waiting, the wishing, the hoping. I am tired of allllllll of it. I want to be d-o-n-e. What will it take for me to let go? Trump treats me horribly and I am sick of it. He treats me like I treat everyone else and that sucks. I really, really, really want to let go of this. Like starting tomorrow I'm over it. I have tons of work to do and none of it involves fooling around wondering if/when Trump is going to call or text me. I am SO SICK of all of this. I am so nice to him and patient with him and I care about him and I like him and all of that and what do I get in return? Barely anything. What am I doing? Why do I put myself through it? He couldn't care less about me which really really sucks. I have to let this go. I can't continue to live like this.

Things Trump Taught Me

"Thought of the day: what we seek to control actually controls us."

Here lies my feelings for Trump. I am not crying over the grave. I am just reflecting on everything I have learned from said psuedo-relationship. This list will be ongoing. Everytime I think of something I will add it.

1. I like older, intelligent men

2. Men like younger women

3. Never, ever, ever even like a guy who has a girlfriend

4. Emotionally unavailable man are not worth it at ALL

5. Save sex for marriage

6. Never use one guy to get over another one.

This too shall pass

I won't rehash the past few weeks. Suffice to say that Trump has been a never-ending rollercoaster and once and for all I am getting off this ride.

He can just think of me in the future as "the one who got away" or he can just not think of me all. Pretty soon, I am not going to care either way.

Okay in the past few weeks, we have went out on two dates (shocker, I know). And we have also spent some, ahem, time together on Christmas and New Years.

But all that brings me to today:
I called him and texted him yesterday morning...he still hasn't responded so I have decided that once and for all, I am d-o-n-e. Even if he decides to call or text me now, I am not responding. We have nothing to say to each other. I don't need another friend. I have plenty. Maybe one day down the road when I don't feel used and thrown away like a useless piece of gum, then I can be friends with him. Until then, I am not going to be friends with him at ALL.

I can't do this anymore. This has been excruciatingly painful and I cannot take the up and down anymore. Besides, what do I want? To be his girlfriend? The chances of that happening are slim to none and the chances of him being faithful to me as his girlfriend is pretty much guaranteed to not happen.

It is high time that I moved on. And today, January 5th is definitely that day.

Trump doesn't deserve me -- at all. And I am not going to give him any more of me at all. So what if I gave everything to only end up empty-handed? Soon, I will be completely over this.

This too shall pass.