It's OVER

Trump called me last night.

I was sleep, but I'm not calling him back at all...or ever.

The other night he told me that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. Shock doesn't even begin to describe. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of the story.

Thursday night, I was on Facebook and she had commented on one of his notes. I commented twice. He didn't respond to either of my comments. He responded to her (and everyone else), but not me. Then she commented on his status, "You pay more attention to this page than you do my texts). Then she tagged him in a note that was like 40 questions.

In that note she must have mentioned him like three times. I copied and pasted the ones that were about him below.

THEN she tagged his mom. So, I went to his mom's Facebook page and there was a note on there about her 1st grandchild and how Trump and Rachel* had just come over to show her the ultrasound and how she is so excited. The blog was dated November 23rd.
I almost passed out. I knew he's known for a while (he tried to pretend he hasn't known for that long, but COME ON. I'm sure she told him right away), but it was weird to put a date to it.

Well I went back to his page and deleted all of my comments on his wall. The next day, he deleted everyone else's comments from that note (which he never does) and then he deleted the link to Rachel's survey. Too late. I already read it. But, Im sure he deleted it so no one else would read it.

Anyway, that night I asked myself for the umpteenth time, "What Am I Doing?" Here he is in a serious relationship with this girl and she is 8months pregnant and he never said anything to me. He dragged me along for all these months making me feel like he and I could really have something in the future. All the while he KNEW that Rachel was about to have his first kid.

He says he is not in love with her, but I don't believe him. Besides, that doesn't matter anyway. The fact of the matter is that I never had a chance with him and I feel like he thoroughly used me. He was so incredibly selfish. Never mentioning to me that he had a kid on the way. He knows how I feel about that. He knows that I do not want to talk to anyone with kids. But all he could think about is himself.

I am so hurt. All these months of waiting for him to come around and wondering why he acts the way he does. All these months spent hoping and overanalyzing. Only to be hit by a locomotive. Eight months! I never even had a chance. I think knowing that is what kills me the most.

I don't know what was real or what was a lie. Maybe all of it was one huge lie. Maybe I dreamed up everything in my head. He says that he cares about me and our friendship, but I feel like he is just saying that. I don't think he cares about me at all. Why should he? He doesn't care about Rachel. He had the nerve to say, "No girls are going to want to talk to me now." I told you he was selfish. According to Rachel's blog, he is her BOYFRIEND anyway! Trump says, "She doesn't want to marry me now either." Of course not! She has you for life now! Congratulations.

I am still sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo upset. I feel like I got kicked in the face. i mean, I'm glad he told me and didn't just let me "find out", but why did he have to wait so long? We have had hours upon hours of conversations. We went to dinner. We went bowling. We spent time together at his house. We have talked on the phone. We have texted. He had sooooo many opportunities to tell me! And he never even mentioned it. If he was going to tell me over the phone anyway, he could have called me and told me when I was in Atlanta. I think he has known since I was in NYC. Because that weekend I went to go visit Atlanta, Marlon, Trump Melissa and I were all outside of a club. We were clowning and I said something about never wanting to get fat so I don't know what will happen when I get pregnant and Marlon looks at Trump and bursts out laughing. I never knew what they were laughing about. Now I think I know. If he has known since THEN, well thats just something i don't even want to think about.

He has at THE MINIMUM known since November. He tells me in January?! The baby is practically here! What has he been thinking this whole time? Did he ever like me at all? Did he ever see himself with me? Did I dream everything? I guess it doesn't matter now. He'll probably marry Rachel. Ugh. I am just trying to think of every conversation we have ever had. I can't believe he didn't bring it up once. I remember him saying he wanted to get married at 30, divorce at 40 then start all over again. Whattheheck?! I'm so annoyed.

Anyway, so after I read all that Facebook stuff, I updated my status to say: "Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised...PS I'm over it" Trump texts me like 2 minutes later, "Whuddup" I didnt respond. Then he texts me the next day, "Sorry for txting you so late, I thought you might still be up from Facebook." I didn't respond. Then he texts me last night, "U not talking to me?" I didn't respond. Then he CALLS me last night around 2:30. I am not calling back.

I don't know what he wants from me. He lied to me, treated me nonchalantly for so long, why does he care now? Because his ego is so huge that he just needs every girl to like him? I'm not that girl. He had his chance with me and he blew it. He hasn't been exactly treating me like a queen up until now anyway. So I'm done. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He made his bed (literally) and now he can go lay in it.

Here lies my feelings, my hopes, my desires for him to be with me...here lies it ALL...3/15/08 - 1/27/09. What a waste of my time.

Oh and here are the highlights from Rachel's blog:
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Tuesday. Hey I am 8 months pregnant I can cry whenever I want. Okay Mark!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
We are about to have our first baby boy!

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Coffee, gasoline, mark's cologne

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mark

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Troy- Brad Pitt was half naked and looking good and I wanted to piss Mark off

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I like hugs, only kisses from my boyfriend- can we make out?!!!!

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Mark laughing

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
We went to high school together, met senior year, he loved me right away but would not date me because I was a weird cross country runner- LOL, jk. But yeah, high school.

********************************
I just want to point out that she called him her boyfriend AND I want to point out that I texted him one night when I was in Atlanta and asked him what he was doing and he told me he was watching Troy. Apparently, HE WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Unfreakinbelievable that dude lol.

She's Pregnant

Trump told me today (January 26th) that his ex-girlfriend is 7months pregnant with his son.

I felt like someone backed into me with a truck.

I don't know what I should think. I appreciate his honesty with me but I am flooded with a mixture of emotions. The most of all feeling like I just wasted the past year of my life.

Step 1: Delete His Number Out of My Phone

I am getting over him by January 30th if it kills me. I just have to change my perspective. I have to reconfigure my mind toward him. I need to change the way I think about him. So, just now, I deleted his number out of my phone. I have never deleted a contact (crush or exboyfriend). But, I've got to move on. I need to erase him from my life. He doesn't care about me. The sooner I get that the better.
So I took the first step in getting over him. I deleted him.

Annoyed on 1/8/08

When will I ever get tired of being sad? When will I become completely spent? I am unable to open my heart to anyone. I am unable to care. Why do I have such strong feelings still toward Trump? Why do I care so much? Why do I put so much in to someone and get nothing in return? Why oh why oh why? I am soooooo sick and tired of this. I am tired of the hurt, the disappointment, the rollercoaster, the pain, the wanting, the waiting, the wishing, the hoping. I am tired of allllllll of it. I want to be d-o-n-e. What will it take for me to let go? Trump treats me horribly and I am sick of it. He treats me like I treat everyone else and that sucks. I really, really, really want to let go of this. Like starting tomorrow I'm over it. I have tons of work to do and none of it involves fooling around wondering if/when Trump is going to call or text me. I am SO SICK of all of this. I am so nice to him and patient with him and I care about him and I like him and all of that and what do I get in return? Barely anything. What am I doing? Why do I put myself through it? He couldn't care less about me which really really sucks. I have to let this go. I can't continue to live like this.

Things Trump Taught Me

"Thought of the day: what we seek to control actually controls us."

Here lies my feelings for Trump. I am not crying over the grave. I am just reflecting on everything I have learned from said psuedo-relationship. This list will be ongoing. Everytime I think of something I will add it.

1. I like older, intelligent men

2. Men like younger women

3. Never, ever, ever even like a guy who has a girlfriend

4. Emotionally unavailable man are not worth it at ALL

5. Save sex for marriage

6. Never use one guy to get over another one.

This too shall pass

I won't rehash the past few weeks. Suffice to say that Trump has been a never-ending rollercoaster and once and for all I am getting off this ride.

He can just think of me in the future as "the one who got away" or he can just not think of me all. Pretty soon, I am not going to care either way.

Okay in the past few weeks, we have went out on two dates (shocker, I know). And we have also spent some, ahem, time together on Christmas and New Years.

But all that brings me to today:
I called him and texted him yesterday morning...he still hasn't responded so I have decided that once and for all, I am d-o-n-e. Even if he decides to call or text me now, I am not responding. We have nothing to say to each other. I don't need another friend. I have plenty. Maybe one day down the road when I don't feel used and thrown away like a useless piece of gum, then I can be friends with him. Until then, I am not going to be friends with him at ALL.

I can't do this anymore. This has been excruciatingly painful and I cannot take the up and down anymore. Besides, what do I want? To be his girlfriend? The chances of that happening are slim to none and the chances of him being faithful to me as his girlfriend is pretty much guaranteed to not happen.

It is high time that I moved on. And today, January 5th is definitely that day.

Trump doesn't deserve me -- at all. And I am not going to give him any more of me at all. So what if I gave everything to only end up empty-handed? Soon, I will be completely over this.

This too shall pass.