Life Goes On...

More than a year since I started it, I decided to make this blog public today. No pomp and circumstance. No one will probably even read it. But I'm linking to it to make a point on a more recent blog post on my current blog "ThisCannotBeMyLife.Wordpress.com". I need this blog to be public in order to linkback to it.

I started this blog when I was in one place, I made my last entry when I was in another place and I am making it public when I am in yet another place.

Thank God for progress.

Life truly does go on....

If you're going to be done....

I haven't written in here for a month. It would be nice to say that my life is totally better and I am completely over Trump and I'm living my fabulous new life without him. Or even that he has been calling me again since I've been home this summer and things are going great between us.

In reality.

My dad died on June 24th which is one of the most awful things that could happen to me (my mom dying is the most awful). A part of me died that day too.

Trump hasn't been there for me at all. He picked me up from the airport the day it happened (I appreciate that) but other than that and the time we met at Applebees to discuss my prospects for my house, we've barely spoken.

I guess he's totally over me. Which is fine. I need to be over him. I will be. A part of me feels like I am. I am just so hurt. I feel like I walk around with a permanently broken heart. For what? I really want to be done with him. I have been obsessing over him for a long time now. What went wrong? Why doesn't he like me? How come he never contacts me? Why is he STILL calling Melissa (Chassidy told me that the other day). How has he completely just cut me out of his life?

Though I felt like I was screaming "I quit!" after already being fired, I deleted him from my phone and from Facebook for the final time yesterday. I say that because he doesn't talk to me/FB me anyway, so what was I doing by deleting him really? Anyway, I deleted him because I happened to come across some FB pictures of him, his best friend and two girls vacationing in NYC. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He was supposed to come visit me in NYC last summer but he never came. I don't know who the girl was but they looked like they were "together". Im SO HURT. All I can think about is, why wasn't it me? What did I do? How come I didn't deserve him in my life? And why oh WHY do I care SO MUCH?

Ralf said something to me the other day, he wasn't talking about me but it definitely fit. He said "If you're going to be done, then just f-ing be done." It's so true. Ive been saying that I am "done" with Trump for MONTHS now. It's time for me to stop saying it and to really and truly be done. But I don't even know where to begin.

I can sit here going over and over in my head where I went wrong. I can do the shoulda, woulda couldas for the next ten years, but what will it solve? I can't go back. That's the cruel thing about life. I can never go back. What is done is done.

And there is a quote I like that says, "Wisdom so often never comes so one ought not reject it merely because it comes too late." I think it's by Felix Frankfurter or something. Idk. Well, I do know that wisdom says I need to walk away for good. Save myself from this self-imposed torment. So what he doesn't like me? He is ONE person in the ENTIRE world. I feel like I have convinced myself I can't do better (because I haven't done better), but that is simply not true.

I can and I will do better. And honestly, being ALONE is better than pining after a jerk that would have sex with my "friend". I am disgusted and hurt just thinking about it.

I need to turn my life around. Like seriously because the road Ive been traveling for the last year is leading to nowhere very quickly. Actually it's leading me somewhere I don't want to be. How in the HECK did I get here?

It doesn't matter cause I'm done. For real this time.

Simple Text Message

I mean, I don't think it has ever been so clear to me. We're talking about someone whom I can't even hope to send me a simple text message unsolicited (and waits seven entire hours before responding to my Happy Father's Day text!!!). I mean, OMG. I know I say it all the time, but I'm done. I'm D-O-N-E. Is he CRAZY?! I would never tolerate this behavior from ANYONE. Why do I continue to make an exception for him??? He obviously doesn't like me AT. ALL. I think he did at one point, but he's over me. Im salty about that, but it's whatever. I mean, when Epiphany can call/text/FB chat me several times a day and Trump can't find a moment in his schedule to text me once a week, what in the world have I been doing??? Even Executive tweets/calls/texts me. And I've given these men NOTHING.

I feel like I've written the book on How to Lose When You Give In. I know I can say never again. I guess that was the purpose of all of this. I have written so many eulogies on this situation, but now is the time to truly let it go. If I consider EVERYTHING I have been through, it is a WONDER I have stayed this long. Ive never truly lost before, but I did this time. He doesn't like me. He did. He's over it and he will continue to use me for as long as I allow him to. Shall I delete him one last time? Unceremoniously? Shall I truly let go of this ridiculous fantasy?? Shall I truly do for once what is ultimately best for me?? I deserve better and it shouldn't take the person who treated me worse than anyone to tell me that. That's ridiculous. I'll get over him. Just like I've gotten over everyone else. This charade has lasted too long. It's time to let him go. For real this time.

After all, he can't find time in his life to send me a simple unsolicited text message saying "hi". Why? Cause he doesn't care. So why should I?

Deleted.

Still On It

It's been forever and I am STILL on it. I don't understand what is wrong with me. At this point, I am being nothing less than totally and completely ridiculous. He doesn't call me, text me, message me on Facebook....NOTHING. I asked Ralf if he thought that Trump misses me. He said, "no". OUCH!

I am soooooooooo salty. How could he not care enough to call/text me AT ALL??? Not once? And he has written on Chassidy's wall a few times. Excuse me, does he even KNOW Chassidy? Would he try to get on with one of my friends? Of course he would. Ugh I would die. I know it's been a month since I've seen/spoken to him, but I am still not over him. What happened to the 60-day thing? Am I going to be over it in 2 weeks? HA not likely.

So, I'm pushing it to five months. September 9th, I can contact him if I still feel so inclined. Until then, I can be cordial in the unlikely event I run into him, but I cannot initiate contact with him. I just need to get over him. Please GOD. I need to let him go!!! I am so salty still, but why?

He used me. He liked me a little bit, but not enough. He has a girlfriend (maybe even a fiancee). He has a son. He has an entire life that doesn't include me or any thoughts of me at all. That is so devastating to think about!!! What was I thinking? What was I doing? Who was I kidding? I just wish I could forget everything!

But I'll get over it. I'll get over him. I'll move on -- just like I've moved on from everyone else. I just want it to be today. Please.

One Day

They say I'm too picky. This is not true because with all of my heart, I picked you. I found what I wanted. I found it all in you, but for whatever reason, you weren't feeling me too. But at least I know i'm capable of finding love, in spite of what they say and I will find the one for me...

One day.

Three Weeks Down....

It's been three weeks since I talked to him last and that was text (but for my purposes that still counts). Does he miss me? I wonder. I can't do that though. That's pointless. My twenty-three year old self is over him. Lol. If only that were true. It will be though.

It has to be.

I put so much thought, time and energy into something that was headed nowhere. It makes me sick to even think of it.

Now I have to stop talking about him. I talk about him all the time. I probably mention his name fifteen times a day. I'm not talking tohim but talking about him is counterproductive. He just fits so well into every story I tell. Get a life Alissa. I hate that I wonder if he evvvvver thinks about me.

I never responded to his FB message. Sadly enough it is still sitting in my inbox. I don't have the heart to delete it. Ugh. I need to. I deleted him as a friend though. Is it so wrong to keep his "we're not friends" message in my FB inbox? Yes. It is very wrong. Lol.

I've got to stop talking about this boy. I need a rubberband I can wear around my wrist and snap really hard every time I mention his name.

I'm distracted so this post probably makes no sense. I've just been thinking about him HARD all weekend -- what could've, would've, might've, should've been. I'm wondering where he is, what he is doing and does he care at all?

Sixty day hetox. I'm doing great so far (I haven't contacted him at all!! Wow!). I deserve some sort of medal at this stage...a plaque at least.

Two WHOLE Weeks!!!

It's been two weeks since I talked to him. I'm pretty sure this is the longest we have ever went without talking since we met last year.

Do I miss him?

To say "yes" would be an understatement. Sometimes, I miss him so much it physically hurts. But I have to be strong. I unfriended him on Facebook some time last week (Monday I think) and he sent me a msg Thursday asking "we're not friends anymore". I didn't respond. I wanted to, but I couldn't. At some point, I have to walk away. I can't continue to hold onto someone who isn't holding onto me. I sound like a broken record. But I seriously have to grow up.

I wonder if he misses me. If so, I wouldn't know it. He never calls or texts me. I JUST WANT HIM TO CARE. I want to know that I meant something to him. I feel like I didn't mean anything. Steve Harvey says in his book, that some women are just "sports fish" to men. The men could never see themselves with these women, but they just use them for a sexual fix and that's it. I was Trump's sports fish.

The truth hurts.

Today, I was randomly going through Tanisha's Facebook album and there was a picture of him and her at Easton together. I sware my heart stopped for a moment. They could have just randomly bumped into each other and she took a picture. Not likely. They were probably on a date. Ugh. I'm sick just thinking about it. How many times did we go out? Not often. She's gorgeous though. Way prettier than I am. He probably likes her more than he could ever like me.

This sucks.

But it will pass. I am on the right road now. I was going to text him when I watched Down With Love, but I decided against it. 1,000 points for Alissa!!! LOL.

I turn 23 tomorrow. I gave him all of 22. He gets none of 23. I do wish he would call me on my bday to say happy birthday. Not likely since I'm sure he doesn't know my birthday. *Sigh* Oh well.

Moving right along....